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Newly Dating a guy who was just diagnosed with Prostrate cancer.

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Posted 11/25/2013 11:29 PM (GMT -5)
Three weeks ago I started dating a guy whom I like a lot, he is 70 and I am 61. Tonight he told me that he got a phone call this morning and that he has prostrate cancer. He said he has surgery scheduled for 2 weeks from now, in the beginning of December and that even if things go well, it will be at least a year before we can have "normal" sex.
We have been intimate, but he only played with me and brought me to climax numerous times. I wondered why he wouldn't allow me to reciprocate, but I didn't push the issue because I really like this guy. I also figured it was early in the relationship and so I didn't question him at the time.
He dropped me off after our date tonight with the announcement of his diagnosis as mentioned above and said that he wanted to give me a few days to think about whether I am still interested in pursuing our relationship, but he thinks it will be far too difficult for me because he believes me to be an extremely sensual female. He said that he thinks I need more, but he would call me after Thanksgiving (I will be with my family and he with his) to discuss my answer.
I have thought this over and I am not willing to give up because of his diagnosis. I would like to be there to help him get through this and continue this relationship. But, I sincerely would appreciate any advice available on this issue.
Thanks in advance for all your advice and comments.
Posted 11/26/2013 12:03 AM (GMT -5)
Hello and welcome.

For starters, I think this guy is being very thoughtful to you, in telling you about his diagnosis and is possible future sexual problems related to surgery. Its most common for me having prostate surgery to have some degree of ED, whether it be short term or long term. There are exceptions from time to time, I was one, having never had any ED, but I was 56 when I had my surgery, not 70.

Even if he does experience ED, there are all kinds of things he can do to help regain his sexual function, including pills and injections. Plus, and we will leave a little imagination here, he can still please you in other ways while working on any ED he may encounter.

Sounds like he could be a keeper, with that kind of consideration and openness.

Good luck to both of you ahead.

David in SC
Posted 11/26/2013 12:06 AM (GMT -5)
Hello Sassy,

Welcome to the forum. Sorry you find yourself here but glad you've found us. I hope we can help.

If he was told this morning that he has prostate cancer then he has probably recently had a prostate biopsy. It is a procedure where small samples of the prostate are removed using a hollow needle and it almost always causes some bleeding that will turn a man's semen bright red for several weeks. Most men are shy about sex for a couple of months after the biopsy while they wait for things to return to normal.

At seventy he's on the old side for surgery. Many doctors would prefer some form of radiation to treat prostate cancer in a man his age. Younger guys recover faster from surgery. A seventy year old usually does better with radiation. I know you are his girlfriend, not his doctor, but he really should talk to a radiation guy who does brachytherapy (seeds or temporary implants.) Radiation should be able to offer about the same disease control and a much better story about that year to get back in the saddle.

We'd be glad to talk to him here on the forum, either directly or through you if he prefers. We have a lot of guys here who have had a lot of different kinds of treatments. Maybe we can give him a new perspective.
Posted 11/26/2013 12:18 AM (GMT -5)
Welcome to HW. Sorry you need to be talking to us but it's a great place to ask questions.

Yup, sex, one of the problems that pops up with PC. If he's recently had a biopsy, there's a reason for the non-reciprocation. and it's not you, it's the procedure.

The post surgery sex thing can be very hard - er difficult to predict. He could be back at in few months or after a year might still need pills or shots or something to get an erection. So many variables and no way to know for sure.

You might want to take some time to educate yourself. There are a number of good books, Dr. Walsh's "Guide to surviving prostate cancer" is a good one for those just learning about this thing.

Based on your last sentence, I'd say your man would be very lucky to have you.

But I also understand his point. PC treatment can be easy or very difficult. He'll be in pain and depressed at times. His libido may be low and the physical side might not function at all. Understand what you're in for - not fun dates and intimacy but rather sharing a difficult road to recovery.

It's the kind of thing that only love can conquer. Sorry to get romantic but it does come down to that.

Peace,
Andrew
Posted 11/26/2013 12:24 AM (GMT -5)
Hi Sassy
I have just gone thru treatment with my husband but also with hormone therapy. I would like to add that it is not just ED but the total lack of any desire and they can get very grumpy too. :O) It puts a lot of strain on any relationship. One option to add, is to be good close friends for now and see how it goes. Taking it one day at a time. This would also take any pressure off him and you. Stay as close friends and see how things are in a year. Just an option
Posted 11/26/2013 12:51 AM (GMT -5)
Hi sassysage,

Welcome. My husband had surgery for prostate cancer a year ago. He was 59 at the time. I realize that this is a new relationship where you are being wonderfully supportive, and not an established relationship where you might be involved in medical decisions, but a few things bother me about the advice your friend has been given. First, as Peter pointed out age 70 is on the old side for surgery. It is not written in stone, but when my husband and I interviewed surgeons and radiation oncologists they all said that age 65 is the general turning point where the benefits of radiation start to outweigh the risks, and where the risks of surgery start to outweigh the benefits. The majority of men at age 70 are probably treated with some form of radiation. I think it would be a good idea for your friend to speak with a radiation oncologist if he has not already done so.

Second, if your friend was just diagnosed with prostate cancer he probably had a recent biopsy. Every surgeon my husband and I met with told us that a man must wait a minimum of 6 weeks to have surgery after a biopsy. The area must heal from the biopsy before surgery is performed.

The side effects from radiation are less severe than those from surgery, and the percentage of men who get ED is less from radiation than from surgery.
Posted 11/26/2013 12:58 AM (GMT -5)
Thanks to you all for your kindness and thoughtful as well as insightful answers. I am in the process of researching prostrate cancer as I really know very little about it.
I believe from the way he worded things, when he spoke to me tonight, that it is he who is worried that he will not be able to satisfy me and is afraid of ED. He did mention that he had a biopsy a few weeks ago, so you are correct in your assumptions.
I have no intentions of going anywhere, but I am a bit worried that he will not want to continue because of his fears.
I will let you all know how this goes when he and I next speak this weekend.
Thank you all again for your advice and caring.
Posted 11/26/2013 3:31 AM (GMT -5)

sassysage said...
T Tonight he told me that he got a phone call this morning and that he has prostrate cancer. He said he has surgery scheduled for 2 weeks from now, in the beginning of December and that even if things go well, it will be at least a year before we can have "normal" sex.

Perhaps one of the best ways you can help him, is to let him know that not all diagnoses require surgery. And they certainly don't require surgery to be scheduled on the same day one learns of the diagnosis.

I'm sure he's pretty shocked at the news and sometimes we don't make the best of decisions while we are still in shock.

Without knowing the details of his biopsy, it's really hard to know.

He may be a candidate for active surveillance/watchful waiting.

If you the two of you want to be in a relationship, now is the time to discuss all of the details of the biopsy.

There's much more to it than just learning he has prostate cancer. The range of the disease is anywhere from an active surveillance stage to bone metastasis stage. If he just found out today that the biopsy is positive, then it is likely that he hasn't even had a bone scan yet.

Surgery for someone with metastasis is generally not the protocol for treatment.

My point being... don't let him jump the gun. And, you can't really make an informed decision either, as you are missing so many pieces of the puzzle.

If you're going to stand by your man, make certain you do so as fully educated about prostate cancer as possible.

And, yes... dates can still be quite fun and intimate.

Wishing you both the best in the decisions that will be made.
Posted 11/26/2013 8:22 AM (GMT -5)
Sasssage,

First off, your gentleman must be a great guy! He came forward and volunteered with the prostate diagnosis, and I congratulate him for doing so.

A little over two weeks ago I had my robotic prostate surgery. It wasn't rough, but it definitely not a walk in the park. I am 98% functional regarding continence and sexually, but I am 60 and in excellent health and not 70. As everybody have mentioned usually when someone gets to 70 he might be a better candidate for surgery and radiation, especially if he isn't in excellent physical condition. Usually older gentlemen going through surgery have a longer recovery time and more problems with regaining continence and with erectile dysfunction.

One of the best gifts for yourself and for your gentleman is to get a copy of Dr. Patrick Walsh's Guide to Surviving Prostate Cancer. The Third Edition was recently published and contain a wealth of information on this subject.
Posted 11/26/2013 10:23 AM (GMT -5)
Sassysage,

I was in your position last year.  I started dating a guy who I adored.  There is a 20 year difference between us, but I never noticed.  We met at the gym and we enjoyed many interests together.  Sex life was great.  In fact I used to joke he was better and in better shape than most guys half his age.  We were together 7 months and then boom, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer.  It was a shock to him and he gave me an out... saying I didn't sign up for this and he wouldn't blame me if I wanted to leave.  I wouldn't even think of it. I had history with PCa as my dad had it years earlier and is fine and told him that any way that I could help, I would.  We researched options and doctors together and he had surgery last year, Dec 13th, and has been doing well.  Still working on some incontinence and erectile issues, but we make it work.  The struggle made us closer and we are a team.  Life changes, but you figure out a new routine and life goes on. 

Posted 11/26/2013 3:04 PM (GMT -5)
Hi Sassysage... my thoughts... have him read this thread. If after that he doesn't realize he is lucky enough to have someone in his life that cares enough to get information like you are doing, then you should smack him upside the head to bring him to his senses... or... smack him first, then have him read this... that sometimes works better...

Good luck and wishing you a good start to a long and happy relationship!
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