Posted 9/1/2015 2:58 PM (GMT -5)
(This post is a bit long, and I apologize for that, but it’s something I really wanted to say. I think it's worth the time to read, and if the points it makes do help someone else, then I will be greatly pleased).
I almost decided not to start this thread.
That's because one of the primary rules for myself that I have always followed as long as I've been a poster here is to post positive and encouraging comments, whether on threads I've started or in posts I have made. I hope this has usually come through in the threads/posts that I actually have made. There's enough negativity around, I thought, so why add to it myself?
So a thread about advice on things to do/not to do when some of us unfortunately become widows/widowers when we lose our spouses (or any loved ones for that matter) seemed at first too negative to me ("No, I shouldn't bring this up"). This especially so in light of the recent tragic report from Sue Saddened Wife that her husband Dave had lost his fight with this beast. It seemed like the timing was bad.
But then I reminded myself that this is not the first time that the forum had regretfully hosted a thread on the loss of one of our warriors.
So I thought it was something that needed to be addressed, what happens when widow(er)hood enters the picture. And since I had been through it, perhaps I had something to say.
So here goes.
Four years ago when I myself had to enter that dreary world of losing one's spouse and soulmate, I was totally unprepared. My wife had died suddenly and unexpectedly from cardiac arrest in April 2011, leaving me to handle, all by myself, everything that had to be done after it had happened.
I did the best I could, having all of the funeral, legal, financial, etc., etc., etc., issues thrust upon me, with no time at all to plan or ponder what had to be done, because it all had to be done right then!
When my wife died I did indeed read as quickly as I could a book on how to deal with the passing of a spouse, and looked at some websites about it. Okay, I gained a few insights from doing so, some sources being better than others.
But at the time of her passing, there were a number of things, important things, that I had to find out and do entirely on my own, as there was no mention of a lot of them in those sources that I had consulted. And that's what the points below are all about. Some of them, yes, can be found in books and websites. But a number of them are points that I did not find, and for that reason I decided that it would be useful to mention them, as they are the result of someone, me, actually experiencing this tragic event in real time. That's why I'm doing this thread.
I can't say they are fun to read about, but they are certainly useful to know "if that time comes." They are not all the points that could be made, of course, but, as noted, ones that might be especially helpful.
THE POINTS:
Be aware that the emotional impact of this is going to hit you hard, and possibly in ways you do not expect. The immediate grief is clear, you feel it right away, it's what you expect. The tears flow, you sob, you feel crushed. But you finally recover from this "immediate" grief. But then there is that other grief, the deeper one within, more subtle, more consuming, more difficult to deal with. I liken it to that painful experience that most of us have had when we accidentally banged our thumb with a hammer, and there was no pain for a second or so, although we knew it was coming, and we steeled ourselves, and then WHAM! the pain hits, and our thumb throbs miserably. This inner pain is like that, it hits you a week or so after your spouse is gone, or two weeks, and it spirals you down into a horrible depression. It will be coming. Be aware of it. Know to recognize it and you can handle it. Several of the sources I read said that it takes about a year for a person to get the loss of a truly loved spouse out of their system, to overcome this inner grief, and in my own case I found that to be about right.
Get ready for the OHHHHH! moments, for they will happen Something that I personally found truly troubling, and that I didn't find mentioned in any of the sources I read. It's those awful moments when you think "Where's Marilyn? Oh, she must be shopping," and then it hits "OHHHHH! no, she's not shopping and she won't be coming back!" Or, "Marilyn's favorite TV show is on, I’ll go tell her … OHHHHH! no, she isn't here to watch it!" Awful moments, truly awful. They eventually cease, but they're pure misery while they last.
Make NO big decisions, financial or otherwise, while you are still consumed with grief. You may think that you are in perfect mental control of yourself but you are not. Your mind and your thinking have been traumatized by the loss of your spouse. You may not realize it at the time, but there is a subconscious desperation in the back of your mind to get this almost unbearable pain out of you. All you want to do is get rid of the pain, without thinking of the consequences. EXAMPLE: In the days following my wife's loss, as I was walking the halls of our house, now empty of her, I actually, seriously, thought to myself "I can't possibly live here anymore without her, too many memories, too much sadness now in this place." I found myself actually planning to do it, sell the house and move away. But that would have been a very foolish mistake on my part for various financial reasons, as I realized later when I "came back into my senses." So I stayed in the house, the one that had been our home for close to forty years, and it was the right decision. If you truly do wish to get away from your house, then do so, but only when you are certain that you are making the decision to do so with a rational mind. Sometimes pressure to make a decision may come from other sources as well (see "in-laws point" below). Resist the pressure. Stand your ground. So, make no big decisions until you are certain that you are thinking straight again. If possible, set an actual date in the future, perhaps 30 days, as the earliest that you will allow for big decision making. Give your mind time to sort through the things that have happened to you, to clear, to reboot.
There may be significant changes in relations with your spouse's relatives, your in-laws, now that the person that tied you to them, your spouse, is gone. In the four years that my wife has been gone, some of her relatives have become strangers, having nothing more to do with me or my sons. She was all that bound us to them. Others, to their credit, have kept up contact with us, and still consider us family. Be prepared for some surprises in this, as some in-laws that you thought would stick with you fade away, while others that you didn't really feel all that close to rally and become very supportive. Be ready for some other unexpected surprises as well when it comes to in-laws. EXAMPLE: Shortly after my wife's passing, one of her sisters called me up to announce that Marilyn had promised her a certain piece of furniture in our house if she died, and the sister wanted to know "when I would be shipping it to her." This was the first that I had ever heard of this. So, with all the politeness that I could muster, I informed the sister that I would be in no position to dispose of anything in the house until all the legal matters of Marilyn's passing had been settled. As expected, this produced a huffy response in the sister, but I stood my ground (see point above about decision making). Fortunately the sister never called me back about it. So don't be surprised if unexpected behavior such as this occurs in your in-laws.
Take the time NOW to get things in place (legal, financial, etc.) so you won't need to do them under extreme pressure:
See that both you and your spouse have your wills made, any legal entities such as revocable trusts etc. put into place, property arrangements, debt disposal, proper succession of trustees, etc. etc. done now, and in such a way that things will flow easily when the time comes.
If you wish to do so, look into possible organ donation NOW, and make suitable arrangements. This was something that I personally handled rather badly. A day or so after my wife had passed I got a call from a person at the hospital where she had been taken, to make me aware of the possibility of organ donation in my wife's case. Unfortunately, I was still in such shock that I simply didn't want to discuss it and ended the conversation. If I had been more in my right mind I might have been persuaded to act differently. Whether you favor such a donation or not, make your decision, for both of you actually, NOW while the pressure is off. Or if you are considering complete body donation, make that decision now
I strongly suggest that you decide and plan for NOW what kind of funeral arrangements, if any, that you want. I had to do this completely from scratch, without even the name of a funeral home in mind, when she died. Calls to some friends provided the name of a place, I got with them, hired them, and I think they did a good job. Below ground? Vault? Cremation? Decide these things now, while there is no pressure on you. How much money you want to spend on such arrangements is up to you, but it is best to arrange it all now, ahead of time. I never felt pressured by the funeral home I chose to spend big on her funeral, and I have remained grateful to them for that (and that's a reason why I would recommend them). But decide on method and cost ahead of time.
Many other things come to mind as I type, but they strike me as points made in books and websites, points that you can pursue on your own, if interested.
Enough for now. As I noted earlier in this thread, these are not fun points at all, but if reading any of the above winds up helping anyone in the future, then this thread was worth it.