Reflection on my cancer journey as I enter the treatment phase.

My journey to date concerning PC has been typical based on what I hear from other men. However, during the journey, nothing feels typical. This was my first serious medical condition at age 65. I have been living a healthy lifestyle for decades and felt good about life. When the doctor told me “I have mixed news, you have cancer…” my spirit shifted, my inner being was ***** slapped!

These last seven months have been quite the trip. I saw a post today from a new guy about treatment decision and boy could I connect with his concern, his fear, and his panic to act! My first Uro was willing to schedule surgery during that first visit! I am usually a very decisive man, let's get on with it and take action has served me well my entire life. As a retired Submarine Officer, we were trained and paid to act.
What I had to shift in my mind, in my being was that researching, learning, and investigating are actions. I would suggest it is the most important form of action. PC is a complicated disease, treatments are varied, and individual needs and values play a big role in how to proceed. I needed time to sort through all of this. Even though the number of delays I faced seemed, at the time, to be unbearable, the truth is those delays gave me time to settle into my situation.

It did not take long for me to get the implications of having cancer. It is simple to understand that most of us will not die from this disease. However, I detest the comment, “well if you are going to have cancer, have PC!” Sure, there are more devastating diseases, PC is serious enough for me.

My journey, to date, is one of shock, fear, confusion, clarity, more confusion, and finally clarity. We need not minimize the shock. Cancer is a bad word! Then there is the double shock, once one learns of the side effects and treatment complications some experience. But for this patient, the biggest dilemma is the unknown state of one’s disease. We have our Gleason scores; PSA and we regularly hear about post-treatment upgrades and reoccurrence. This is what cancer is about.

Yes, that’s the elephant in the room, will it come back? What I know at this stage is that is a question that has no answer and there is nothing I can do to address it, so I am going to stay the course, live life to its fullest and do the next right thing.

My first treatment is next Tuesday. I am going the HDR BT route. Two treatments over two weeks. I am so at peace that it surprises me. I have many to thank for this current state. My wife and kids, friends who know my journey, PC friends who have shared their journeys/insights with me, the Docs who took their times to help educate me, and for these forums.

I am sitting on a plane, listening to John Denver songs, on my way to ski with my oldest son. I just left Florida, where we live in the winter and where my amazing wife and I live a full life, my wife and are blessed with 7 kids between us and 7 grandkids! Life is awesome! Cancer tried to take that peace and gratitude from me and with your help, it did not win. I do not know what my PC journey will be but I know I have an amazing life and family friends who make life joyful. Let’s not forget the goodness, keep cancer out of our spirits! I wish you all peace! Denis

Subdenis said...
What I had to shift in my mind, in my being was that researching, learning, and investigating are actions. I would suggest it is the most important form of action. PC is a complicated disease, treatments are varied, and individual needs and values play a big role in how to proceed. I needed time to sort through all of this. Even though the number of delays I faced seemed, at the time, to be unbearable, the truth is those delays gave me time to settle into my situation.

I love your thinking here. I would humbly submit, that in the theatre of war, and perhaps especially in submarine warfare, to study and know one's adversary enhances the chances of winning both the battle, and the overall war. In most battles and wars, there are injuries and casualties, specific to PCa in the forms of side effects, and of course those we lose to PCa. Point here is, even in war, as you said, researching, learning and investigating are required to know one's adversary, just like our battle with PCa.

Subdenis said...
I am sitting on a plane, listening to John Denver songs, on my way to ski with my oldest son. I just left Florida, where we live in the winter and where my amazing wife and I live a full life, my wife and are blessed with 7 kids between us and 7 grandkids! Life is awesome! Cancer tried to take that peace and gratitude from me and with your help, it did not win. I do not know what my PC journey will be but I know I have an amazing life and family friends who make life joyful. Let’s not forget the goodness, keep cancer out of our spirits! I wish you all peace! Denis

Indeed, to have victory over PCa, is to LIVE WELL in the face of such adversity and while enduring said adversity. It is a mental battle more than anything yes? Living out loud is the way to go when fighting the cancer war, of that there is no doubt. We are stronger together, and that's why we're all here on HW, to help one another fight the good fight.

Denis,
You have very eloquently explained what many of us have gone through on our individual journeys through dealing with prostate cancer. The specifics of each case are different, but your description of the phases of emotions you've experienced and that wonderful feeling of peace as you prepare to begin your treatment are of incredible value to those who will follow in your footsteps.

Your journey has been similar to my own, with the unavoidable individual differences. We both experienced the shock, the grief, the anger, the bewilderment, the fear and all of the other emotions every cancer patient must face. You have come through the test a stronger man than the one who began this journey all those months ago.

Thank you for sharing these most personal feelings, and may your treatment journey be smooth, swift and successful.

Be well and do well next week and the one following.

Roger

Denis, your OP was well said and describes a common pattern. Whatever the outcome (and I'm sure it will be good) you did this the "right way" by thinking, planning, studying and considering all alternatives. Good job.

BTW, I envy your ski trip. My wife and I gave up skiing some years back due to her knees. But i still have dreams about the wind in my face and making perfect s turns down a black diamond slope of high moguls. Of course that was in my 40's not my 70's...LOL.

Jim

Profound description of the experience. The “unknown” part, the frustration of not knowing, preys on the mind. I know mindfulness says don’t anticipate the worst outcome, yet one needs to prepare in order to meet the worst.
Your last paragraph re-centers on what really matters, for which I thank you and the others on this journey.
Robert Lustig in his book on the evils of processed food suggests that we should connect with others, contribute to others, cope with our situation, and cook rather than microwave. Four “C’s.”

We all need a place to forget about our disease for awhile. Hopefully while your skiing with your son some sun and snow in your face you find your's.

Mike

Denis, we'll be thinking of you as well on Tuesday.

Thanks BenSam good to see another HDRBT guy! Denis

Denis: Good luck with the TX I will be thinking of you.

Roger