Fear, faith or acceptance.

Today I've been plagued by thoughts of prostate cancer and reoccurrence relapse whatever you want to call it. I have no reason to believe this to be the case, as I am early in the post treatment phase. And today I am obsessing about thinking about cancer! Played golf with a buddy this morning just went for a run, and I am going to go play a little more golf this afternoon to try to distract myself.

The thinking that I have I know isnt logical, there is no reason to believe I'm either cured or have cancer it is what it is. What is true is I need to live my life today and enjoy the gifts I have today. However, there lies the mind of the sick person if I may. The fear of what I read on the website sometimes or hear it support groups or reading the books about relapse that reoccurrence frightens me at times.

I know I'm not alone in this feeling thinking. Some people seem to have more emotional capability to let go of it and just live for today. I am one of those people 99 out of a hundred days, today's the other day. What I know though is sharing how I'm feeling thinking with other guys who have been there helps somehow, sharing the burden seems to lighten the burden.

Thanks for listening hope everybody's having a great day Denis

Your experience is very familiar. Having once had cancer, having faced one's mortality that way (we all think that), changes you forever. I'm not sure how many can really just "put it behind". There's always that "what if" that flits through one's mind occasionally. Like has been said about temptation, "I can't stop birds from flying over my head, but I can keep them from building a nest in my hair".

Perhaps acknowledging the thought as normal, hearing from many of us that of course it's normal, may help you relax about it. You've had a very scary situation, fairly common, but still scary. That's bound to leave a mark psychologically. I'm mostly pretty ok with this, except right around my PSA follow-up checks. Then the butterflies will take flight again for a couple of days.

In my experience this is one of the strong aspects of participating in this forum. You can share such things, and you'll find others who understand! Tomorrow will be better.

Yes redwing...the forum has evolved into a place where these things can be talked about...it was not always so...tarry not spirit...cold hard steel...steals...without shame...it peals its lack from the village square...by by American pie....

Redwing57 said "Like has been said about temptation, "I can't stop birds from flying over my head, but I can keep them from building a nest in my hair".

This reminds me of one I heard that talks about negative thoughts that enter the mind. They will enter on their own but we don't have to offer them a chair and help them get comfortable.

For me, and this goes back before my Dx, understanding how the brain works has been helpful along with learning some techniques for being in a bit more control over its behavior. A therapist I saw for a while recommended Rick Hanson's book "Buddha's Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love, and Wisdom" and I found it especially helpful.

Perhaps it's because just two years prior to my own Dx my wife went through cancer treatment (surgery, months of chemo, and all that entails) that I saw my own situation as something to take in stride. When my mind strays to the negative I refocus on the moment and something I am engaged in that makes me happy.

And, as noted, exercise is a great mood leveler. I am not back to running yet but I swim laps several days a week and take long walks on a trail with a beautiful view on the other days.

And laughter. Lots of that.

I don't know where you are. But I have a Handel's Ice Cream 1.1 miles from my place. It is great exercise to walk there and back. On the way my thoughts are focused not on this dreadful disease but rather; Red Skies at Night? Or Graham Central Station? Or the new French Silk Pie? I am learning about mindfulness. Until then, Handel's.

Pratoman is right; the passage of time helps a lot. I'm 3 1/2 years post treatment; 4 years from diagnosis. The first year was rough and every PSA test and bounce is still rough. I keep low-dose Xanax for those few rough days. One pill is calming and even if I still think about the prospects of cancer returning, it is more intellectual than emotional. It also helps me sleep like a baby. I wish my doctor had suggested Xanax when I was first diagnosed. I have been his patient for 40 years and he knows me very well. I suffered needlessly. I also stay away from the internet and HW while I'm in this vulnerable state. Golfing and running are good too for what ails us.

It's threads like these that unite every single one of us.

What a wonderful post

(and of course I can't leave it at that without editorializing....Denis....as logo points towards (I think)...fears/dreads are not the sole domain of those whose been treated for disease)

Subdenies, i too thank you for this, perfect timing for me today. My RT ends next week, This whole Matterhorn ride of PC fell on me Feb 1 this year, after four years of stable AS. Prior I was just beginning to come to terms with my wife passing last September. The process of decision making pushed everything else aside, then an unexpected Afib experience that resulted in an Ablation in April pushed grief further down. So here I stand at the abyss of the unknown with dread and the unleashed grief right there with me. I started running again just before the oh crap call from Urologist, then had to stop again to let my heart heal.
Now starting to run again, but between the Lupron, and time off I won’t be running trails for awhile. This is certainly a contact sport.

Subdenis said...
LC sorry about your loss. I debated about posting this but am glad I did. We need to keep sharing as men. We tend to think we have to be strong and hold it in. I suggest we are stronger when we step over the abyss and risk being real. Thanks for your response!

PS I run while listening to inspirational music.

By abyss I meant major primary treatment ends, the hourglass is turned over with a yet to be determined amount of sand beginning to drain. I listen to everything from podcasts to to hip hop to electronic while exercising /jogging. Though when on my motorcycles I have to be somewhat careful. Got a ticket last week for 20 over with a80mph speed limit listening to Rolling Stones music blasting in my helmet got old, still stupid ;)

Seven years ago on June 20, 2011, I had brachytherapy for Gleason 3 + 3 prostate cancer. I had very little post treatment side effects. Within two years my PSA dropped to 0.1. The RO who performed brachytherapy told me my cancer was cured and I didn't have to see him again. I was pissed off. I told him, "Do you mean it's in remission". Because at the back of my mind I had the strange feeling that I was not done with prostate cancer.

A year after that my PSA started to rise, first very slowly and then between July 2015 and July 2016 it went up from 0.4 to 1.5. When I contacted my RO, he said it was just PSA bounce and gave me a prescription for PSA text six months later. Luckily, I had an appointment with my uro, who performed a DRE and ordered a biopsy. Guess what, that biopsy found no cancer inside the prostate (the brachytherapy was a success), but there was cancer in an extra capsular mass.

I had cyberknife treatment in January 2017 and HT for six months. My PSA went down to <0.1 in no time and stayed there until January 2018. Then in April 2018 it went up to 0.2. I have another PSA test in July. I am very apprehensive what that test would find.

Cancer is a very strange beast. It can play havoc with our minds. We should be optimistic and upbeat. But it would be a mistake to think that one is done with prostate cancer after treatment, even with low grade cancer.

Because of my strange case I get upset when people comment Gleason 3 + 3 is not really cancer. The truth is one cannot be sure about the grade of prostate cancer unless the gland is removed and dissected.

I consider myself very lucky to have very little side effect from brachytherapy and cyberknife treatment. During the HT I had hot flushes and bouts of depression. Now my primary concern is what the next PSA test will find.

Denis I'm having what i guess what i'd call a "denis day" after reading this thread. Actually a few bad Denis days this week. I actually posted it in another forum. But didnt want to post the details here, just seems like so many guys here right now having serious issues. And my personality is depressing enough sometimes, no need to make it worse.

But i get how you feel. And its good to vent.

Remission is the key term "going for Brachy" that best describes what we hope for. I am still early in the treatment stage and waiting for nadir. One odd thought I have is, I am running in a PC awareness 5K next week and in the application, there was a choice of PC survivor or patient. I choose patient. Not sure when one crosses the line to survivor?

I do know many guys have much bigger challenges then I do at this point and I suggest we all share many things in common and need to allow our thoughts, questions, fears, and feelings to be shared. I distinctly remember finding the forum soon after diagnosis and how helpful it was to me at that time.

Pratoman, I always like reading your posts. The essence of GFMPH is sharing and support, thanks for being there for so many guys.

I wish everyone peace today! Denis

Let's be thrivers!