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What to tell the Kids

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Posted 8/12/2018 5:02 AM (GMT -5)
Not to hi-jack your thread, but I have an 11 year boy that I have not told and I'm not sure if I should. That adds another line of stress that I don't need right now.
Posted 8/12/2018 7:01 PM (GMT -5)
I had to deal with this with my kids - first time in their mid 20's then again around late 20's for recurrence. I told them early on, well ahead of the treatment, as soon as I knew that I needed some treatment for the initial cancer, then again for recurrence. I played it down as much as I could, while remaining honest. For the recurrence, I said I needed further treatment and that there were a few cells that needed radiation. I did not go into details that it might not be curable etc. If they asked, I explained more.

I had to do the same thing again - when I had a PET scan and one area was found to be positive and I needed a bone biopsy. they appreciated (I think) that I brought them in early -rather than waiting until the last minute, saying - I need to go the dr tomorrow for a biopsy. It shows that you are treating them as a full adult -which means they need to learn how to deal with bad news. Hiding or delaying or overly sugarcoating it I believe is a mistake when you have kids 20+ years old. Younger kids - I hold back or minimize the issue.

Hope this helps

Teddy
Posted 8/12/2018 7:15 PM (GMT -5)
When by brother was diagnosed with prostate cancer, he worried about telling his (then) 16-year-old daughter. He knew she would be extremely distraught so he asked me to be there. He said he was worried she would think he was going to die and I would be needed to explain that he wouldn't. When he told her it was the biggest non-event. Maybe that's because she internalized the whole thing, but I never saw any signs of that.
Posted 8/13/2018 3:32 AM (GMT -5)
My father-in-law has Alzheimer's and my MIL gives my husband and I almost no information. He is having kidney trouble now and she doesn't divulge much about that either. When my husband was first diagnosed, he didn't want to tell our then 31-year old son. When I reminded him how he feels when his mother doesn't share information, he quickly realized what he needed to do. Since then, we have told him almost everything.

Post Edited (SueCAll) : 8/13/2018 3:05:19 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 8/13/2018 7:54 AM (GMT -5)
Randy's situation was a little different. Our son-in-law ordered the bloodwork that found the elevated PSA, and referred us the Uro. He brought the news to us at our home. My daughter was, therefore, aware that something was up. He, of course, didn't tell her what was going on, but she was on the phone asking questions before her husband left our house.

Both of our girls are well adjusted smart women (in their late 20s and early 30s), who are very close to us. Both sat with me during Randy's surgery and have offered support to both of us through this ordeal. They would have been horrified if we didn't allow them to come along side us. Just as we would be horrified if we found out that they were going through difficulties without allowing us to support them.

FWIW, I think you should keep them in the loop. You don't have to share all the things you fear, but let them support you. If the worst were to happen, they can then look back and know that, at least, you didn't go it alone.

Donna.
Posted 8/13/2018 10:45 AM (GMT -5)
I would say they're adults. Go ahead and tell them but do it in a way that emphasizes the upside of treatment.

When my PSA started rising again two years ago I chose not to tell my adult daughter - 45 years old - because it was too soon for me to start treatment and I saw no need to worry her. I figured I'd wait until I had to start ADT. When I started on Firmagon four months ago I told her I'd had another recurrence but was going on ADT and she should think of it as akin to the treatment AIDs patients have these days -- I'd need to be on permanent medication but it would let me live pretty much a normal life for many years to come. That made sense to her and she didn't seem too upset.

Jim
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