Am I living or dying?

Am I living or dying? Cancer throws a wrench into that question. My experience for this last year or so has been one of many thoughts, feelings, and questions. The vivid memory of that Urologist telling me “you have prostate cancer” is as if it happened yesterday. Shock, fear, and loneliness surrounded me that day. My wife was away in Hawaii visiting her daughter and we expected the doctor visit to be like the last and a message you have nothing to worry about. So, the shock was exponential based on my expectations.

The doctor babble about surgery and even suggested we could get it scheduled in the next number of weeks, even though I was a Gleason 6, 4 cores and none above 30%. I happened to have taken my motorcycle to the appointment, so when I left I rode by the ocean to try to process what had happened. It was a long night and many long nights the next 6 months as my wife and I tried to figure out what to do. I am a thinker, researcher, reader so I dove into the literature, attended PCRI conference and attended a weekend with other PC folks.

I changed Uros and went to Yale and loved my doc there. They did a second opinion on my biopsy samples and upgraded one core to G7 (3+4) <5%. We did a genomic test that came back less than favorable and decided to treat. My great doc at Yale was newer in the profession and had done 200 robotic prostatectomies. So, we decided to move our treatment to Florida and had an appointment with Dr. Patel who has done more than 13,000. In the meantime we met with an RO and once informed about other choices, we choose HDR BT.

The treatment and recovery were easy and now I am in the wait and watch what happens to my PSA. At its height it was 5.7, 3 months post op it was 1.3. I have my next blood draw in a couple of weeks.

Living or dying? I am active on a couple of forums and of late it seems like there is a rash of reoccurrences and guys are dealing with more advanced treatments. A week or so ago I got a little down about this fact and started worrying about my case. I am blessed with another malady that focuses on living one day at a time and I have been practicing that for more than 40 years. It became clear to me that when I am worried, stressed, upset, etc. I am more dying than living. I have had sleepless nights, high anxiety and other negative feelings this last year but as time passes I seem to have them much less. As a matter of fact, the only time I think about PC is when I log onto a forum and interact with fellow PC brothers.

As to my next PSA test I have no real feelings about it right now. I am in a place of acceptance and know there is nothing I can do to change the state of my PC today. One tool I use often is to make a gratitude list, for which I have many, many things and people to be grateful for! So, I choose to live.
Living for me includes showing up as a grateful and helpful person. I know that through helping others I get the focus off of self. As I was contemplating this writing I thought, I certainly am closer to the end of my life than the beginning of my life. I am 66 years old, but I am healthy, happy and have a lot to share and help others. To me, that is what living is about. Living is about giving!

I see this every day on the forum as guys support each other and help new guys. We (in my opinion) have a responsibility to help others, particularly those who are just starting this journey. Cancer has enabled me to form new friendships and allowed me to recommit to living. Sure, there are dark times, but I have the choice right now to turn on the light, to choose to be alive, to reach out and help others.

One interesting gift I have received is fitness. I have always been active and tried to take care of myself and this last six months I have double down on my fitness and feel more fit and alive than almost any time in my life. I write this on a plane heading to North and South Dakota with my wife for two weeks of exploration and focused couple time. What a gift.
I have no idea what my future holds concerning my health and I committed to minimizing the time I fret about the future, as I find that to be in the dying mode not living. We have a choice to show up right now alive or dying, let's choose living!

Great post Denis. Yes you are living life grand much as Lat and I are doing. What we have no control over is a wast of time and energy worrying about.

Denis, good post/ there are two sides to every coin, and prostate cancer is no different. For me, and apparently for you, it was a curse to have been diagnosed, but. Blessing in that much good has come from it

I would say that we are living until we die. Even during a “terminal” illness we are living until we are not. Philosophically, some might say we are alive even after death, through the shared DNA sequences of the living, but that’s a stretch for me.

Wow seems like that’s all I am doing ...is worrying ...does anyone still have to work...right now I’m pretty depressed ..
Still having regrets ...this sight does help ..but you know what I think sometimes u need s break ...I just keep telling myself that there are a lot of men out there that are cured...and I am going to be one of them ..it seems hard to stay off this sight but a lot of times u read scary stuff

Post Edited (Stan1961) : 9/5/2018 4:53:33 PM (GMT-6)

denis - I am a bit older than you (almost 71 now), and I, too, am also dealing with another chronic condition that could (theoretically) take me at any day. I've been in this mode since 2002, and like you, I have my good days and not-so-good ones.

To me, the primary difference between us and so many others is that we understand the dynamics of our situations and are willing to take action to manage our moods. The gratitude journal (I've had mine going for decades now) is a good tool to help us to continually realize just how good we have it - no matter where we are on our PCa journey. We have enough health now to fully enjoy our days, whether they are many or few. We also know what our minds have in store for us, and actively manage how our minds impact the value of each day we enjoy.

I think you are doing really well in keeping things in perspective. That's all we can do. We cannot really control our cancer, especially after treatment. We cannot impact what "could be." We can only react to what it - and you are doing that extremely well.

From myself, and probably many others, thanks for being here.

i'm living until they throw dirt on me.

Subdenis said...
As a matter of fact, the only time I think about PC is when I log onto a forum and interact with fellow PC brothers.

There. Problem solved. See ya! Been nice knowin’ ya.

F8 said...
i'm living until they throw dirt on me.

Great post Denis.....good point F8.....live like every day may be your last!!! Don't sit and mope in your room, that will bring you to a bad place! I use distractions like family, work, trips, exercise etc. to keep my mind off the PC!

after Dx "C" ==Dying
after Tx, I C living

Wasn't there a line like that by Clint EASTWOOD...Outlaw Josie Wales??? I forget what it was!

mattamx said...
Dbell,

A man’s got to make a living,

To which JW replies,

Dying isn’t much of a living.

LOL, I knew dying and living was in the quote too funny...great movie though!