Husband won't have sex or even care too. He makes me like a pervert.

On behalf of all guys,

Sorry.
Sorry for no longer having interest in sex.
Sorry for failing to show attention more often.
Sorry for having moments (or longer than moments) of self-pity.
Now, and not to make excuses, but reality is cancer can mess with our minds and emotions if we aren't careful and sometimes even if we are careful to guard against it. And that is just the diagnosis, then you get to the treatment each of which brings some mental stress. Between surgery, radiation and now ADT, ED is now permanent. Add to that the fact that radiation messed up control of other bodily functions and there is always a little fear of being too far from a restroom when that sudden need to go happens.
I'm very fortunate that my wife and I can express our love despite the lack of sex. Do we miss it? I guess, but we accept what is and what isn't.
Prayers for both of you as you come to grips with the change in plans.

Scout, sorry for what you are going through, My reflex response is be patient with him. But it's four years, so I am not sure what to tell you.
If there is any way, I would try to convince him to talk it thru with a professional. Somehow , someway, make him see that life being so short he should do everything possible to improve his mental state, AND help you improve yours.
Best I can come up with, sorry

I've been on testosterone therapy for around 15 years.
When I was diagnosed with prostate cancer, my urologist suggested that I stop it. I think (but can't remember for sure) that I also used Finasteride to block T.

I've also had penile implant surgery since 2019.

After that, I lost all desire to have sex even though I obviously could have.
When I did, it just seemed mechanical, and actually not at all enjoyable.
I started taking T again, and stopped the pills.
Libido returned quickly. My wife said she thought the implant had broken.

I told my urologist that life just wasn't worth living the way I had felt.
I had also lost endurance and felt 5 years older.
He was understanding, and said we'd increase the surveillance.

I had a TURP procedure to remove some prostate tissue that was preventing urination.
My next PSA test was way down from the previous one, and biopsies failed to find the cancer.
I think that's like hitting the raisins in a muffin or something like that.

I meant Eliquis. I've been so lost lately. I misspelled it.

Scout32, I urge you to consider getting a referral to a good counselor for talk therapy. Do this for yourself, you are worth it. I balked at first several years ago at the idea of seeing a counselor, I am so glad I went. It took a little getting use to at first, I was fortunate enough to have a found a wonderful lady that was so helpful.

Please think about doing this!!!!

There are men who suffer ED after radiation. Maybe that’s the issue, but I believe your husband has deeper issues.

I am not even close to being a doctor but here it goes...

There are a number of possible side effects after prostate cancer treatment. ED is an obvious one but there can be related urinary and rectal issues that crop up, all in the area no one wants to talk about. Generally, men are getting older so typical age related issues creep in also further complicating matters. For some men, they go in for prostate cancer and come out with pre-diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and some other possible issues noted in the scans and testing in addition to PCa. It can be overwhelming at times.

All of this becomes a challenge to one's manhood and self worth as provider to the family. Mortality has to be seriously acknowledged for probably the first time. If there are any issues in a marriage, the stress can aggravate suppressed feelings and bring them forward. There are also subjects that have been rarely discussed that need to be visited after a cancer diagnosis. This is where a counselor can help if the parties are unable to get the communication going by themselves.

Sounds like you will have to take the lead in this. Good luck.

I’m thinking Major Depression?

Scout32 said...
Could very well be, he's on meds for major depressive disorder and has been for years. Was never a problem before. But thanks for trying to help.

Mattam hit the nail on the head. I strongly suggest a change in prescription.

I can only assure you that you are not the only one with those feelings.
Since my dx and radiation & ADT I have had zero interest in sex. Yes my PSA was undetectable for over 2 years (just this week the test shows a slight bump up) but my testosterone was also undetectable. And so was my libido. I felt like crap 24/7 while on ADT so I stopped it 6 months early and started TRT (testosterone replacement therapy) and my libido has returned somewhat. (test level is still low). To achieve a "meaningful" erection I have to administer an injection (Tri-Mix which requires an Rx) right into my penile shaft. We've only done it twice so far and have tried to make that part of "foreplay". (I wish I could say it doesn't hurt. It would be easier if one is a bit of a masochist.)

The TRT has helped my depression (and general outlook on life) but may have also helped the Pca. But there are several "hurdles" he would have to make to overcome to make this option work. My wife has been very patient and very supportive. (If it makes any difference, I'm 69 and she is several years younger.)

Scout32: You are not a pervert for wanting physical closeness and intimacy. (Since you didn't mention barnyard animals I'm leaving that out of the equation.) You did say that he has had a major depressive disorder that wasn't an issue before. But the PC and treatment could easily have been the final straw. Depression on top of the PC and treatment can break a man's libidinous spirit. I contracted Lyme disease that went neural not long after my wife had breast cancer and a partial mastectomy. Her surgery had nothing to do with my total loss of libido and subsequent disinterest in sex. I still love her dearly and want to touch and be close...but that's all. She expressed similar reactions as you have. Fortunately we watched a documentary that revealed some of the affects that Lyme and similar traumatic issues can have on the male (and female) psyche. While it didn't reverse my condition, it did (partially, at least) relieve her self blame and damage to her self confidence.
I agree - get him to a urologist and counseling. If he is taking meds for depression, both of you need to have this discussion with whomever is prescribing them. Remember, he is a male - reluctant, stubborn and reclusive about these things. Sometimes gentle persuasion is necessary. Sometimes a crowbar. I can't make that decision for you.

Post Edited By Moderator (Tudpock18) : 12/1/2024 8:20:18 AM (GMT-5)