Posted 6/10/2012 2:39 PM (GMT -5)
This morning brought with it a bright and sunny day, the first such morning since last Monday. The mornings in between have been overcast and rainy. Monday was the day Lynn passed away and yesterday was the day that we laid her to rest.
Mornings have usually been where I was able to selfishly steal a little “me” time. I would make my coffee, take it outside, pick up my newspaper and spend a little quiet time of stolen enjoyment.
I say stolen and selfish because this was time I spent on me since Lynn usually would still be sleeping and not yet require my assistance.
I had just gotten settled in when my phone rang. I did not realize that I had out of habit taken the phone with me. This habit was born out of always having it near so that Lynn could call me on the intercom to let me know she was awake or needed me.
It startled me and my heart jumped. But it was Cajun Jeff calling to say goodbye. He and Pat were on their way to take Dallas ( ClearwaterCowboy) and Jeannie to the airport for their return home. Terry (WaterGuy) had left last evening to return to his home.
I was greeted by Jeff’s cheerful “good morning brother”. The phone was passed around in their car so that I could say my goodbyes with everyone. What a glorious feeling I had enjoyed this week having my friends near by. We had shared dinners and laughs and tears this week and I was constantly buoyed and lifted by the support of my friends. These fine folks had represented the absolute best of the love and support of all the folks here on HW. Healingwell and GFMPH could not have handpicked greater ambassadors to personally bring their message of love to me.
The call brought with it a flood of emotions. I struggled for a while with thinking about my daily mantra of “Every Day is A Bonus”. Would today really turn out to be a ”bonus day”? Could today really be a bonus?
Today is the beginning of the next chapter of my life. What will it bring? Where will it go? How will I get there? Uncertainty, doubt, fear, trepidation and many other emotions wash over me like a giant tidal wave.
I remember the call from my doctor nearly three years ago, telling me I had PCa. I remember telling him to “lighten up”. My wife was in the hospital in ICU and I didn’t have time for cancer. And I have only stolen brief periods of time to deal with it since that day.
Now suddenly, I have time for my own cancer and that thought scares the absolute hell out me.
But I also think about what my cancer has brought to my life. It brought a more concentrated effort to find the love and enjoyment of experiencing every single day.
It also brought with it a gift that was so totally unexpected and is still amazing to me.
I have expressed to some of my new found friends from HW, that I had discovered that there were “holes” in my soul and life that I never knew were there. I only discovered that these holes of emptiness existed when they began to be filled by the lifetime friends that I started to gather through my finding HW.
So the next chapter of my life begins today. I have no idea at all where it will go, but I know that I will have help along the way.
I have the support of Lynn’s extremely loving and caring family that I know I will always be a part of my life. And the absolute wealth of friends I have found because of my cancer and my willingness to open the lives of myself and Lynn to you all.
I have read all of the wonderful posts of support from each of you throughout this last week. I have read them over and over. I have printed them out and placed them in a protected binder that I will call upon in coming days when feelings of loss begin to wash over me. And they will bring me comfort.
Thank you my friends for being here with me throughout this time. Thank you for the support that you give to all who follow us here to HW. Those who find us because their lives have been turned upside down with this crappy thing called PCa.
The wealth of knowledge about things PCa that is found here is unmatched anywhere on the internet.
But the tremendous and overwhelming levels of love and support found here are far greater.
Thank you my friends for being here for me and Lynn. I know that this deep well of love and support is one that I will draw from often in the coming days and I thank you for its never ending supply.
And yes, I have just answered my own question today by writing this. “Every Day is Still A Bonus”, you only have to open your eyes and find it.
(I have asked moderator 142 to lock this thread. I am doing this because I know you care, but we have had enough of sadness this week and your responses will only bring it back to the surface for each of you. He will bump it to the top for a few days so that no one will miss it and then let it pass on so that we can all get back to where we all need to be; Living each day fully, being here for all who need us and drawing what we need from the “Well” of HW.)
Sonny