A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have a book on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "That rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
Two men walk into a bar. The first man says, “I’ll have some H2O.” "Fine," the bartender says. The second man says "I’ll have some H2O, too.” "Okay," says the bartender, "but you can only gargle it, and don't swallow."
Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks him, "Do you want a drink?" Descartes replies "I think not," and vanishes.
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar. “Get out of here!” shouts the bartender, "we don't serve minors."
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. “Get out of here!” shouts the bartender, "we don’t serve your type.”
I hate Russian dolls.They're so full of themselves.
Thank you, student loans, for getting me through college. I don't think I can ever repay you.
"One time, a guy handed me a picture, and said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." I said to him "Every picture of you is when you were younger."
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist shoots and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells “We got him!”
Who is this Rorschach guy and why does he keep painting ink pictures of my parents fighting?
Yo' mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "no, I'm traveling light".
How many surrealist painters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.
Did you hear about
the mathematician who's so afraid of negative numbers that he will stop at nothing to avoid them?
Hear about
the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu, you get what you deserve.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
First Law of Thermodynamics: you can’t win. Second Law of Thermodynamics: you can’t break even. Third Law of Thermodynamics: you can’t stop playing.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
What was Beethoven's favorite fruit? Ba-na-na-naaaaaa!
What did Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack? The best of thymes and the worst of thymes.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=heerupuiche