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How to be strong and/or optimistic?

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Ulcerative Colitis
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Posted 7/27/2011 6:31 PM (GMT -5)
I know this has been discussed for many times. But I met a specific question/problem with my friend.

I worked for a small company set up by my two friends. They always asked me to to extra (and urgent) work, which for twice, triggered light flareups. Then I resigned.

Now, they are still tring to call me and ask me to do some although I am not employed by them. And whenever I rejected them for my health, their responses are:

"O, you are not so sick, try to forget it and work"

"O, you are not so smart, you just let the disease control you"

"O, you have already been controlled by the disease for 3 years? This disease doe not deserve 3 years. you should have already come out of it"

"O, just colitis? it is not a big deal, you can work, and see those people in war or those refugees, you are better than them..."

My question, how can I reject them without offending them?

Posted 7/27/2011 6:36 PM (GMT -5)
Againstodds,

I am so sorry you have to deal with their ignorance and lack of compassion.

Is there any way you could frame it so they could understand it, i.e. do you know if they have a loved one with some sickness/disease which you could use to correlate it to how limiting it is for you and UC?

Posted 7/27/2011 8:22 PM (GMT -5)
I'm a blunt person so I don't beat around the bush. I tend to say things before I speak so if I had someone saying things like that I would probably be a bit brash about it. They obviously don't take your feelings into consideration so why should you take theirs?

BUT that is me! lol So if you want to take the gentler approach, you may want to explain in detail exactly what Uc is. That no, it's not a disease where you go to the bathroom all the time (I've heard this one before). That it affects your entire body because your immune system is attacking your body (or so the researchers believe). Maybe if you went into more detail on what it is that you have to go thru on a daily basis, they won't be so flippant about your "excuses".
Posted 7/27/2011 9:01 PM (GMT -5)
I feel my strength comes from never telling anyone - not friends or co-workers or employers - that I have it. I never use my health as an excuse (even when I have to say no) so I never have to deal with ignorant comments about it.

At work, I don't want to be viewed as sickly.

And I don't want to share that I have this undignified problem with anyone. It makes me proud of myself that I can cope on my own without burdening my friends with worry. At most I just joke about a "tiny bladder" when out and about and I need to go a lot. And everyone has stomach upset occasionally...
Posted 7/27/2011 9:26 PM (GMT -5)
I like that attitude, Peety!
Posted 7/28/2011 2:48 AM (GMT -5)
I think it is important to be firm with them. I am also one who gets pushed around a bit but when I use a firm tone, everyone knows I mean business haha.
Posted 7/28/2011 4:39 AM (GMT -5)
I am no expert, but I do know that if your friends don't respect your feelings (let alone your illness) then they are friends not worth having. I know it is easy to say, but friends don't pressure their friends into *anything* let alone something that is going to hurt them.

Be strong and firm with them. If YOU don't feel up to doing the work then don't do it. It isn't worth having another flare over.
Posted 7/28/2011 8:35 AM (GMT -5)
Thanks for all of your posts.

Once, I worked almost 7*12, which triggered a 'mini' flare-up. And, they got me more work to do, so I told them that I already got enough to do and my health was not so good that I couldn't do more. In fact, 7*12 was already too much. So I rejected 'the more work'. But they seemed to be 'pissed off' or offended by my rejection, saying "we are facing challenges and need your help, but you won't help. So many people in this world live more miserably than you, why are/were you always stuck with your UC?"

Maybe I am too selfish. What I saw was their business/profits were/are more important than my health to them.
Posted 7/28/2011 9:23 AM (GMT -5)
I wouldn't even give an explanation, just say "Thanks, but I'm not interested in picking up hours at this time." You don't owe them anything! If they push, & start you bugging you about why, or how UC is no biggie, don't even comment- just say something like "I see...", then get off the phone.

Posted 7/28/2011 10:28 AM (GMT -5)
But they seemed to be 'pissed off' or offended by my rejection, saying "we are facing challenges and need your help, but you won't help. So many people in this world live more miserably than you, why are/were you always stuck with your UC?"

Maybe I am too selfish. What I saw was their business/profits were/are more important than my health to them.

Exactly.  Their business/profits are more important than your health.  Guess what, you NEED to be selfish.  Yes, put yourself first.  Why are you responsible for helping their business??  It is THEIR business not yours.  Your priority is your health.  They are not the ones that are going to be in that hospital bed if you push yourself too far.  If their business shuts down, that would suck for them.  If your health shuts down, that is a LOT worse.  At the end of the day, health is the NUMBER ONE issue.  You don't get a do-over unless you believe in reincarnation.  On your death bed (hopefully when you are 100 years old or more!) you won't be thinking "Darn it, I should have worked more hours for those friends."

Now, how to convey all that without offending them?  Frankly, I don't know if you should be worried about that.  Sure doesn't sound like they were worried about offending you with those comments they made to you.  But, if it is important, then just keep it simple but firm.  "No thanks, I cannot do it".  Give them nothing to argue against.

Posted 7/28/2011 12:01 PM (GMT -5)
Maybe "friends" is too strong a concept for them. They're business oriented, you're not. You need a job..maybe that's not the one for you of they continue to push.

I'll bet, however, that when they get hit with a gut bug that has them on the toilet more than once, they'll be swearing up a storm and bragging how awful they feel...etc. But, I'll also bet they won't be able to relate that experience to what you're going through.

YOu can't force empathy...but you can enforce your position.

q
Posted 7/28/2011 12:43 PM (GMT -5)
Serenity Now beat me to the punch: Why should you be worried about offending them? They're obviously not worried about offending you.

Anyone with a chronic disease has to put themselves and their health first. We all know stress and poisonous, non-supportive relationships can be a trigger or can worsen UC flares. You owe it to yourself to either stand up to them or distance yourself from them. Why willingly subject yourself to abuse?
Posted 7/28/2011 12:49 PM (GMT -5)
 

I couldn't agree more with Serenity Now.

It's obvious they are not deserving of your "friendship" as they are only using you because they see you as their work horse. Don't let them push you around OR make you feel guilty. If anything, they should be feeling guilty, but it sounds like they are too callous to have guilt or empathy.

 

Posted 7/28/2011 2:11 PM (GMT -5)
I deal in a way like Peety - I don't tell most people. I work in organizations with a small staff and large numbers of volunteers. Once in a while I'll tell someone at work - not staff, but if I've really befriended a volunteer. Last time I did that, I found out this volunteer had Crohns, so we became a mutual support network!

It's tricky. My supervisor just mentioned taking a group of youths to a camp next summer..... and because of community bathrooms, etc, I am NOT interested. So... I'll see if the plan comes to fruition, but I'll need to come up with a good reason not to go!

Once I tell someone about my UC, I then hand them whatever helpful pamphlets from the ccfa.org or a printout of an article I've found helpful. Reading about it "on paper" helps educate without involving my emotions so much.
Posted 7/28/2011 4:13 PM (GMT -5)
I agree with all the posts on here about taking care of yourself first and especially about asserting yourself around these so called friends.

Might I also add that the stress of this situation is not good for your UC?

Just getting through the day when you are flaring is hard enough without insensitive comments. It might be worth your time to find another job where you work normal hours and a company who will respect your health issues.

I am not one to tell the world about my UC either, but telling some close friends has made a world of difference to me in terms of support and understanding without getting into the yucky details. Good luck to you.
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