Despair

Conner,

I have lived with UC for 50 years or so..Not as bad as some and worse then others..It appears yours is worse.
But most uc'ers really have to put up with a lot of crap ,pun intended...There is no sugar coating UC..Of course the severity of the illness obviously makes it easier or harder to live with..Unless you live with this illness you really don't know what it's like..I suppose no different then any other illness..I tell you this. I would wish this on my enemies..My gastro says there are many drugs out there for UC. And of course there is the surgery option..No cake walk either..my suggestion to you is to keep pressing your Dr for different medications till you find one that can help..I often thought why God me..Then I thought about kids who have cancer, why them..Didn't make my life any easier but I suppose some would be willing to trade places..Our hope is the same for other illness, get better drugs..Cure is a nice thought but I doubt it will happen in our life time. Again I don't know how many different drugs you have tried,,Try more...The point is you are your strongest advocate..The answer might not be out there, but it might be..Good luck, and I feel your pain..RJ

Despair is understandable and I've been there too...not to the same extent - in fact I can't currently imagine how hard things must be for you.

All I'll say is this. You know those moments when life looks great? I don't know last time you experienced that...and if you're in a low mood right now it'll be harder to remember. But just cast your mind back.

Those moments when you laugh, when life seems easy and fun ... I'm guessing a huge number of those moments came before the last few years, but I'm guessing some of them were much more recent. And maybe you even had a few seconds today of seeing life in a positive way ... Maybe a minute. Or maybe yesterday or the day before.

The truth is, you create your experience of life through thinking. Yes there are the raw signals - the physical sensations of your gut churning, the sound of farting, and so on - but the meaning you make around all that is a choice. At the moment you are unconsciously choosing to frame yourself as a victim ... Through thinking you are creating life being a battle and things being difficult. And you have found yourself in such a thought spiral - taken seriously - that you are even listening to the voices in your head ... The thoughts ... That life is not worth living at all.

But as you'll see from those moments when life seems good, your thinking (the meaning you make of your perceptions of reality) can be very different. In fact you always have this flexibility though you may well not always be aware of it. There are always other perspectives ... Other ways of seeing the world, your situation and the condition you find yourself experiencing ... And these can transform your experience when you really start to live into them. Even considering the possibility of different perspectives can kick off this process.

There are so many ways this could unfold going forward. Down the line even if surgery is a plan Z you may find yourself living a really fulfilling life after having it. For a plan Z it could be worse. Plan Z could have been water boarding or a fatal cancer but instead you got surgery and the relieving of your symptoms. Sounds pretty good no?

I'm sorry to hear there's no help for you right now. What can you find online? Mindfulness meditation has helped me a lot ... Maybe check that out. What resources can you find in the way of online books and material. Support groups. And so on?

There may also be free helplines in your area.

If I were you I would help myself psychologically as much as possible and find a way to seek support in any form possible. I would also continue to be optimistic about the options that are still available ... Because even after every drug in the sun there are still options and choices and possibilities. Though granted, not as many as before you tried all those drugs.

I totally empathise with you ... And 3 years of flaring affecting your gut is going to have a physical effect on your mental wellbeing anyway (brain and gut are linked in so many ways). And yet ... Empathy and nodding my head supportively can only go so far, because if you want to change your experience of life you are going to have to realise what you are currently creating and how many other options are available to you in terms of the meaning you're making of your experiences and the perspectives and behaviours you're generating as part of that. If you end your life it's game over and you never get to see how things could have turned out. And while it's not guaranteed, if you choose to live differently and see things differently then you may well look back on this day - and this period of your life - and think wow. Just how far you've come. And knowing that ... And knowing that's possible ... Might just be enough to keep you going in those times when life doesn't seem so good. When life seems crap and not worth living. Because those other times - when life seems great and amazing and we are so lucky to be alive - are only really ever a thought away. Making that part of a lifestyle and a way of experiencing reality? Yes that's a process, a project, and there's no instant fix. But it might just be the most enriching and life transforming journey you ever embark on.

Post Edited (chickenwings1) : 7/31/2016 6:05:52 PM (GMT-6)

Hi Connor, I'm so sorry to hear about how UC has robbed you. Would you consider inpatient treatment for depression? It's not right that you can't find a therapist to speak with and if you were admitted, you would have access to someone. We all understand the cost of UC with our r'ships and careers and dreams. Keep talking to us and let us know what's going on. Do you have insurance? If I recall correctly, mental health services are required coverage. I've been seeing a therapist since my divorce in 2008 and used to pay out of pocket because I was being cautious and didn't want my employer to know. I can't afford to pay $100/visit anymore so I started using my insurance and now it's $25/visit. I think someone suggest calling a crisis hotline and I agree, it's a great idea. We aren't designed to do life alone, we need support especially in times like this. If you don't feel comfortable with any of these suggestions, maybe find a pastor/rabbi/minister of your faith to speak with. They are used to helping people through tough times. You're in my prayers and just know that you are not alone and life will not always be this difficult.

IBD can be so isolating. People can have trouble understanding us and we can have trouble understanding them at times because we are dealing with our lovely issues.
I know I have trouble explaining to people what IBD encompasses at it can make people feel alone.

Try to get in to see a therapist.
check out your local crohns and colitis foundations and find support groups.
let your GI know that you are feeling this way.

Many of us have been where you were, and things can get better.

hang in there
((hugs))