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Posted 4/2/2017 10:49 PM (GMT -5)
I've been seeing someone for about 6 months now. When we met I thought it was a miracle that someone would want to be with me due to the fact I have pretty severe IBD (which is now in remission). He has been very accommodating and kind.

Recently our relationship has been going through some conflict and one of the things that came up is that he is losing patience with my limited diet. He is a foodie and really loves eating all kinds of things. He also likes to travel and experience the cuisine of other places. Until I developed IBD, I used to be just like that. I was a world traveler.

I can't eat gluten, dairy, wheat and a bunch of other things. My bowel has been slowly healing due to being on Entyvio and LDN, but I still have a fairly limited diet. What's really hurting my feelings is that he has been haboring all of this impatience for a long time now. I thought he accepted me for who I am but it turns out he has been frustrated that I can't eat all the things he likes.

He has been operating under the assumption that one day I'll heal and be able to eat gluten again, but I honestly don't know if that'll ever be true. I've met IBD sufferers worse than me who recovered their ability to eat gluten using LDN, but it took years. And my bowel damage was pretty bad.

I know that it's easy for others to just say I should break up with him because he doesn't seem to get it, but it's not that cut and dry. A lot of things in our relationship are really wonderful.

I guess what's happening is that I'm starting to get really sad and depressed that I will never lead a truly normal life. I knew this already but facing the fact again in a relationship with a healthy person is like reliving it all over again.

Has anyone here at Healing Well gone through this before? Did your relationship survive? I feel like I don't have control over this aspect and yet it is creating anxiety for me... like I am trapped in a limited life. I won't ever be able to travel the world or eat in a care free way ever again. Will my relationship survive or will IBD cause it to end? Will I ever end up in a lasting partnership now that I have this horrible disease?
Posted 4/3/2017 2:22 AM (GMT -5)
I think you should talk this out with him, if you haven't already. It sounds like he does care about you and maybe he hasn't taken the time to consider that your diet isn't a preference, it is essential to your health.

I wrestle with these same thoughts but have ultimately learned to enjoy eating what my body will allow and otherwise eating to live instead of living to eat. There are plenty of healthy people who adhere to even more strict diets in order to maintain physiques or follow ethical food guidelines. Regardless, everybody's diet should be respected.

I've traveled with a limited diet and had no less an enriching experience. Food is a part of traveling, but new experiences, sights and cultures are the true highlights. Perhaps de-emphasizing food as an essential part of a travel itinerary will lead to greater appreciation of other aspects of wherever you are.

Post Edited (sfc425) : 4/3/2017 1:25:48 AM (GMT-6)

Posted 4/3/2017 7:30 AM (GMT -5)
I'll be honest, I don't quite understand why it bothers or impacts him that you're not eating gluten? Are you saying that he can't order anything with gluten? I used to have to have fish for dinner for 6 weeks at a time to get my UC back in order, and my ex just used to cook himself up a steak or whatever he wanted. To be honest, I really don't see how it is impacting him, yes it sucks, but it sucks for you, the person who can't do these things. I think he's being really self-centered here.
Posted 4/3/2017 8:06 AM (GMT -5)
My spouse has been through a lot of diet modification with me and we are both foodies from way back, love to cook, love to eat, and no we do not weigh 500 lbs haha.

I am gluten-free, dairy free (hard cheese is OK) and a BUNCH of other trigger foods, like you it seems.
Restaurants provide a simple way for each person to eat what they like, plus take-out. But that is expensive and the small town I live in has very few restaurants with food we like.

Perhaps you and your partner both cook? And he is having problems figuring out what you can eat.
Over time I have worked up a dinner list that is both yummy and safe for me that my spouse also likes.
The list is posted on the fridge so he always has ideas for dinner as we have always rotated cooking.
That makes him happy, not having to figure out "what" to cook.

Dinner is always the shared meal with immediate family and family holidays. People get upset when they think you can't (in their minds "won't") eat a prized family recipe.

Once a week we have "cook your own dinner" because he likes seafood and my gut now hates it after years of loving it. Other nights we alternate cooking with the recipe list that I keep adding to as I search for new gut-friendly yummy meals.

Get to the bottom of his unhappiness about meals. Is is really the food list? You can fix that by providing recipes you both like. Or is it a bigger issue of your UC food intolerance causing you to be "different". He may not want to say it because it makes him look bad but it's something you have to know.

Finding the right partner for life is important, one that understands and supports you. I had my partner for 20 years before UC so we had a track record that I wasn't making up these food issues. A lot harder when you are new in a relationship but important to know if that person is with you "in sickness and health." Good luck.
Posted 4/3/2017 8:20 AM (GMT -5)
might ask him what else he is harboring ?

and don't just accept something because you feel it might be your only option - it's not -
Posted 4/3/2017 9:23 AM (GMT -5)
I hate to say it, but if he can turn your diet into an issue to use against you, he may not be the best choice of partners. Imagine you have a huge flare up, where you're housebound, what then? You really think this guy, who turns your diet preferences into an issue, is going to be there for you?

People have strong preferences about this stuff. I know I've had some people tell me they wouldn't date someone who didn't drink alcohol. I've also met vegans who said they wouldn't date someone if they weren't vegan... I guess with some lifestyles, it's going to become as issue at some point. It's dictates where and what you eat. My boyfriend always wants to eat fried food and I don't like to eat fried very often, we get in arguments about it constantly. Never on the same wavelength. To be fair, I am not sure if any couple ever is...
Posted 4/3/2017 10:06 AM (GMT -5)
Hit him in the head with a loaf of Italian bread and tell him to deal with it or hit the road. I'm sorry, but I have NO tolerance for people that don't understand this disease or don't try to compromise.
Posted 4/3/2017 11:03 AM (GMT -5)
There's no way of knowing what the future is like with UC or with relationships as there's always uncertainties. UC can flare without warning and we can get into fights with our spouses without warning. Everyone gets into disagreements with their loved ones as that's just a part of life. It's just important to come to compromises and mutual understandings, and avoid repeating history though abd that's essential.

What you can eat is non-negotiable but perhaps you can call ahead to a a fancy foodie restaurant he wants to go eat at, and see if they can accommodate your diet restrictions. Often they might have safe foods on the menu already, or might be willing to adjust your meal to fit (leave out certain ingredients or substitute). He's got to meet your needs with home cooked meals, he can always cook an additional second dish just for himself if he's craving a food you just cannot tolerate.

We all butt heads sometimes, life is no happy sitcom with a laugh-track, but unfortunately rather more gritty, raw, and involves tears and curses at times. But solutions and understanding need to be the end result of a tiff and good couples and relationships find them. Better to avoid stepping on landmines then repeatedly walking into them.

The dear wife and i fought to near divorce early on in my diagnosis but worked through it. It was nasty and awful at the time. Not everyone can work through it, depenss on the people and their ability to work together and solve things. I'd try for it, talk things through, look for workable solutions and see if it works out.

But do not get stuck in the trap that nobody else wants you because your sick; i call bs on that one. There's always others who'd be darn lucky to have you. People vary in their ability to cope with those with medical issues, some are great, some are not so great, and others are just awful. Just make sure the one you stay with is a hundred percent behind you, always got your back, and willing to deal with boty the best and worst life throws at you (UC, stress, family, work, goals, etc).
Posted 4/3/2017 12:25 PM (GMT -5)
It's really not about the diet. Doesn't seem a relationship that will last if one is bullying and the other a victim of an illness and a personal attack of another.

You're the one with serious decisions regarding a initiating a specific discussion.
Some relationships don't work out. Better than arguing about things that skirt the actual issue.

This is NOT your fault or his. It's a lack of misunderstood reality and communication.

q
Posted 4/3/2017 2:17 PM (GMT -5)
So everyone is attacking the boyfriend at this point, but for me there's 1 crucial question left unanswered first.

Are you making him eat the same diet as you? If yes, then I can see where he might be frustrated. It wouldn't be fair for you to force your diet onto him just because you can't eat certain things. As gardner said, there's a night where her husband cooks his own seafood meal because he loves it and she can't eat it.

My current girlfriend LOVES Mexican food and wants to eat there almost every week when we go out. My currnet jpouch still adapting can't have too much cheese or I get extreme gas pains I can't pass, but I suck it up and go anywhere and just snack on random things not have a full meal because she loves it. I'll just eat a banana ahead of time or whatever else.

If you don't force your diet onto him, then see above posts.
Posted 4/3/2017 4:00 PM (GMT -5)
Whether you stay together or break up, the IBD will not be the cause. Relationships are bigger than IBD. It sounds like one of the issues is that he was "harboring his impatience." Perhaps it would have been healthier for the relationship if he had been open about his frustration earlier - so that you could have found a compromise. Then, maybe your feelings would not have been as hurt because you would not have felt misled.

Perhaps it was hard for him to figure out how to tell you about his frustration without hurting you as he cares for you. I think the question is whether his holding back was limited to the IBD or if it's a pattern for him to hold his frustration in in other aspects of the relationship. Are you ok with dating someone who has a habit of holding his frustration in? Would things feel better if you could trust him to be open with you about his feelings whether good or bad?

I was dating my ex boyfriend for more than 2 years. I was diagnosed with UC about 1.5 years into the relationship, but it was manageable for 6 months. Before the diagnosis, I led an extremely healthy life. We talked about the possibility of marriage. One day, I started flaring quite badly (January 2017). I had to decide right then and there whether I wanted him to be by my side as I got more sick and whether I wanted to ask him to stand by me through the uncertainty of not knowing how the disease would unfold. I decided that we operate on different wavelengths when it comes to prioritizing reaching compromise and that I would not be able to rely on him to be patient with me as my disease continued to unfold. This made us incompatible for marriage. I didn't want to stay with him knowing that we would not get married one day. We broke up.

The point is that in my case, IBD did not cause us to break up. The intense flaring did cause me to think a bit more about the bigger picture of our relationship and act in my best interests - even though it was hurtful because I was still in love with him. We have a lot of respect for each other and we are now friends.

I agree with John that people vary in their ability to cope with people that are sick and that it's important to be with someone who's behind you 100%. Like he said, disagreements happen, but it's all about the compromise and mutual understanding.

I also like gardener's idea of the "cook your own dinner" night.
Posted 4/3/2017 4:58 PM (GMT -5)
" Are you making him eat the same diet as you? "


pretty sure that unless a criminal act is going on, the guy is probably able to make his own decision on what he eats -
Posted 4/4/2017 6:25 PM (GMT -5)
Yeah, I agree with the people who wonder why your diet is such a big issue to him. *Especially* as it is due to illness.
Posted 4/5/2017 5:54 AM (GMT -5)
I'm having to remind myself of this at the moment as I'm back on the dating scene, but with the right person, none of this stuff will actually matter, but you just got to sift through the other people until you get to that person. I know it's hard because sometimes you really like someone, but you have to ask yourself, would you be like this with him if it was the other way around and he was sick? I suspect that you wouldn't, so don't settle for something less than what you're willing to give.
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