Accommodation Stress

Hi LW and welcome to the A/P. I can completely understand your being anxious about your living arrangements. Next to food and clothing, it's right up there with the basic necessities of life!

Can you tell us a little more about your situation? Do you have to move abruptly, and are stressed about being able to find a new place in time? Have you had a relationship change that is causing a change in housemates?

Depending on the circumstances, memebers here may be able to give you some practical help. But for now I can suggest increasing your coping and relaxation techniques. When the stress amps up, it's always a good idea to do some extra work in that area. At the top of our main page (Anxiety Resource Guide) we have some good links to sites that teach breathing/relaxation exercises. They are really effective if practiced daily:)

Good luck with this, and share more if you want to. Post here anytime!
Scaredy Cat

hoping it works out for you mate. with compassion, jamie

living well

Hi, this is Kitt. I think we have met in the chat room.  I am glad you felt comfortable posting your problems and feelings here in the forum.  I believe just writing down and sharing is a great way to get your feelings of anxiety out on the table. 

Great ideas posted by our members re your living situation.  I understand how it feels to want to live in denial.  I know you will work through this problem and down the road things will look much brighter for you then they do right now.

Thinking of you and sending healing hugs,

Kitt

Hi All, Thanks for your responses. The man with the nice house did ring back and he is coming over tonight to look at my furniture to check that he will not feel overwhelmed by what I have. As I explained to him, and he understands I would rather know before I move in, rather than afterwards. ;). I spoke to the real estate just about where I am at. I get on very well with them; so an idle chat about things, just keeps them in the loop. The property manager is an ex social worker like me and we connected on that level immediately since I first moved in. (Oh, and I was a property manager before a social worker). Yes, I am scared about change and thank you SC for validating that shelter is a basic need, and that it is a bit normal to feel some degree of concern around such matters. I am lucky in that my lease has expired and I can provide two week's notice to vacate without penalty at anytime. I am concerned about my ability to get along with others. My confidence might be low but I keep working on my interpersonal skills regardless. Relaxation techniques are helpful too. PG - there is one way I could get to live on my own, but it will take a lot of guts and effort to do. My son and I had to move cities, change our identities and live in hiding because of a high level domestic violence situation. I have never had a relationship with my father until this year and he has said he would provide me a mortgage if I were to buy a duplex. (Obviously I can't get a bank loan on the pension). Even though my father's offer is extraordinarily generous, I have to factor in our safety. Despite the generosity of his offer, there are years of highly erratic behaviour, still continuing and questionable integrity on his part. Obviously if I were to accept a mortgage from my father, he would know where we live, and he would probably have to know my new identity. That completely freaks me out and I don't think I could live like that. It is too hard to change one's identity and suppress all records - I never want to go through that again, so I am extremely protective of that information. I will have to think hard before accepting that risk. My father is in intermittent contact with the perpetrator; so the mortgage may need to be backed up by a court injunction about the confidentially of my identity and my address? It is an option I would have to think about with a very level head and have satisfactory resolutions to my high-level concerns about safety. So PG, that is one option - but buying a house is more stressful that renting and renting is more stressful than sharing. I appreciate being able to use this forum to help acknowledge to myself that accommodation is a primary need, that sharing can be stressful and moving can be stressful. I find it very easy to minimise things - and then lose the plot much like you describe SC. Thanks for the support stkitt. SC, I agree, small regular steps. Too much at once is my downfall too. Thank you for reminding me that emotions have a function and it pays to listen to them. I like your hopes for me - roommate choice, nice place, positive living environment - it is a great thing for me to visualise and work towards. It feels weird to pick off something that I'd usually minimise and get help from others to make a wise decision and get support. I can't thank you enough... it is a bit of a new experience for me and I thank you for the part you are playing... holding my hand as I journey through what feels like a scary change in real time, and managing my fear rather than suppressing. You are sharing a new behaviour with me. I appreciate it. Please stay there supporting me; please. LWx

Post Edited (living well) : 6/30/2011 2:47:51 AM (GMT-6)

DITTO. jamie.

Okay, so I took another little baby step. The nice man with the nice house came over to see my furniture. He was a bit overwhelmed by the amount. And I said that it was cool... that is why I asked him to see it before I risk uprooting myself and overwhelming him when planted me and my stuff in his home. He could really understand where I was coming from and he stayed for a while just for a friendly chat. He is highly intelligent and I really enjoyed having an interesting discussion about a variety of intellectual topics. He said "I'm a good judge of character and I know you are a good person - you just have so much stuff!" lol. (Well I do when we are looking at fitting two little houseloads into one big house). If we don't move in together we have agreed to help each other to try and find the right housemate for each of us. How bizarre is that? But there is a nice, friendly, open, warmth associated with it. We've both put what we are looking for on the table and honestly exploring whether our objectives are compatible, rather than trying to force them to fit, if that makes sense. I've taken the courage of adding a few more people to my facebook and I am considering going back to aqua aerobics tomorrow - omg that involves socialising - scary stuff!!! Mr Nice Man will contact me tomorrow night or Saturday morning after he's had another person have look at his place tomorrow night, and we will see how we are both positioned then. I think he might take someone with less stuff, but I can't know that, and really just need to wait and see without trying to guess the next installment in the mystery of life. It's 9.30pm here, so I'll take my meds and head to bed. I hope you guys all have a happy Thursday while I slumber. Night x

HELP!

I've got to decide what I am going to do about the outcome of my court case. Sure I don't like it - but I'm taking a realistic look at my resources. Do I have enough to achieve justice? Probably not. Can I find a place within myself to suck it up and bear the financial burden? Probably not. I can see four options and none of them seem fantastic. Time keeps ticking and I feel blocked.

The same with my accommodation situation. The rent is $50 under my total income and I've been living like that for six weeks. It's not sustainable but again I feel stuck. If I go and rent a room, storage is so expensive, it is false economy. If I sell my stuff, I would generally have to accept I would be selling it at rock bottom prices and would probably need to replace again at some stage at a higher price. How can I transcend this situation? How can I create a sustainable accommodation situation that limits my degree of financial worry somewhat without having me paying top price to live in a "brothel"?

The telecommunications company have officially done my head in. After 9 months of barely providing a service but me paying top dollar for the service, I've "had it". But I live in a remote area and I only have the partially government owned telco to chose from. I really don't want to hear "well if it was up to the fully privatised telco's you wouldn't have a service" because I DON'T have a reliable service and am still getting charged TOP DOLLAR for NOT having one. The Ombudsman might not as well exist. They are merely who you have to go to get Telstra to provide just the basic services; the Ombudsman don't concern themselves with the chronic telco issues.

Now I'm REALLY READY for some good solutions to open themselves up to me within these three pesky areas. I want resolution and I want the outcomes to be fair. I've been shafted on Problem 1 and 3. Problem 2 is just an unfortunate situation which I needs adjustments made somehow.

Good Morning LW,

The word "help" always catches my eye as I have used this word so often when dealing with my Anxiety/Depression.  I'm still trying to navigate life successfully as a person with a mental health dx.  I am glad you have asked for help and support. 

I understand your concerns about your finances as with the recession going on and many people out of work here it is often necessary to take a good look at what we can live without.

What we really need includes food, shelter, clothing and a way to get to around/communicate.  If we can provide those basic necessities for ourselves, our needs are covered. But there are certainly a lot of other things that make living more pleasant, and that we rely on to help us maintain our sanity, stay connected with loved ones, or to just enjoy life. While there is nothing wrong with these material items and experiences, it doesn’t hurt to remind ourselves that they really aren’t needs, and to re-assess our priorities. Prepare to let these “necessities” go if you have to.

I am retired and 5 years ago when I retired my income changed dramatically.  I did make decisions to sell some of my favorite things but in order to cover other expenses I let go of big ticket items I could live without.  At the time it was hard but once I made the decision I moved forward and did not look back with regrets even thow I did not recoup the value of my items and had to sacrifice on the price I accepted.

I understand from my own life experiece the need to want resolution and the feeling that you have been treated fair.  Life is not fair in the sense of equity. Life is not fair in the sense of equal shares for all.
Life is a a lucky dip, then you play the hand you are dealt. But its the only game in town and you are betting your life on the outcome. So play your cards as well as you can and know you will be OK.  Even though sometimes your best efforts bomb out, there are good things coming your way. That's why we have Tomorrow. It will all even out.

I wish you peace and I hope you keep on posting here in this great forum.

Kindly,

Kitt

Hi, I'm taking baby steps. I've just refiled my material from court. (It gets all out of order during proceedings and I didn't revisit the material after the hearing). My whole body is weak and shaking and I feel like crying, but I'm going to accept this experience and feel these sensations in real time. I'm not stuck - I'm just having enormously uncomfortable body sensations. I feel like vomitting and my jaw is clenched shut. I am a little annoyed but mostly overwhelmed. I feel like jelly apart from my tense jaw. I'll give myself a break and go for a walk and come back to it again.

... okay did that - and took 6.25mg Seroquel as a PRM. I've spent an hour typing up my appeal notes. Even if I don't use them, it is important that I clarify the issue in my own mind, as awful as the process is

... okay time for another break... will make a cup of tea and maybe watch a little bit of tv, just as a diversion for a little while... didn't do that - made a phone call instead and then got stuck back into it.

Great news... I typed it all up; accepting the things I could suck up and arguing the points I just could not abide. Okay I sucked up a lot... but in the end, despite 5 major discrepancies and 3 minor discrepancies; the judges workings only came to be $76.65 away from what I came up with!!! THAT IS manageable! I don't feel so victimised by the process anymore... I know I've sucked up a lot and sure some of the judge's findings were a bit shabby and very hard to accept; but I actually didn't do too badly.

A lot of horrendous emotions to get to an outcome, which I actually feel able to manage...it was still inexcusable what that person did to me, the experience with the other party was extremely traumatic and our safety still needs to be managed but overall, additional financial losses haven't been as bad as I originally thought.

Still feels yuck but manageable yuck. That's that one issue resolved for the day!!!! Yay!

I know this would seem crazy to a well person - and it is crazy, coz I'm not well - ... but I worked well within my own personal parameters today, and for that I'm proud of me :)

Thanks for reading this... it's almost turning into a blog! lol

I still haven't sent the email to the court with my decision :@. I need to balance taking time to sit with my decision, with not finalising resolution. No need for response... just hitting another stage in this working my way through anxiety creating situations. Thanks for your input SC. I'm sorry you go through all that yuck yuck feeling too. Hugs, LWx

hey kitt, I fired off that email to the court yesterday and felt good about it. I still haven't got a flatmate, but I have looked very closely at my finances and looked at how I can juggle things for a little longer. Sure, it isn't sustainable, to not have a flatmate, but you know what??? When I look back it has actually been a really important time emotionally and mentally for me NOT to have one. For a start, I spent the 14-17 June in the nuthouse after about 6 weeks of an acute major depression in which I felt "burnt alive by the pain". For 5 of those 6 weeks, I kept up a brave face for my flatmate. WOW!!! Looking back, I don't know how I did it!!! I went into hospital the week after he left. I have only been home three weeks. The first week out, I started on a new medication which has required frequent (private) conversations with my pdoc.. I also broke up with the love of my life two weeks ago, and it has been important for me to have the privacy to grieve when I have needed to. This weekend I have family staying from overseas staying. I know for a fact, it has been a lot more relaxed, open (and private) a visit than if I had had a flatmate floating around; esp. a new one - still settling in. So in hindsight, I think it has been a blessing but I AM really ready now to move forward with an interesting, thoughtful flatmate. :) I have rung the telco but have not got a call back from the team leader as yet. I am expecting their call on Monday and will keep following up until I get the person I need to talk to. In the interim, I can really crystalise 1. what the problem is 2. how I feel about it 3. what I want them to do for me 4. let them know what my next step will be if they do or don't come to some arrangement with me. 5. Keep negotiating the crap out of them lol. It's been nearly two weeks since I first started this thread and there HAS been some progress. Again, I just want to thank you for walking me through this sense of insurmountability. I've never had someone hold my hand before, as I broke things down and chipped away at things in a systematic fashion. Having Bipolar disorder, I have tended to have to solve problems while hypomanic because I couldn't function when not hypomanic. Now that I am on the first mood stabiliser that my body can actually metabolise and not react to (so far so good), I feel like I am gaining the capacity to resolve pesky problems over time and not with the sense of urgency I usually had to take to problems with a lifetime of unmedicated bipolar. After 19 years of trialling various mood stabilisers that made me worse not better, this medication is bring some glimmers of hope. I explain all this so that you can understand better why a 39 year old woman is asking to have her hand held on stuff healthy 15 years old could do without a second thought. I might be behind the 8 ball, but I am determined to fill in the missing developmental learnings that my battle to properly medicate an illness has created. Thank you for understanding my "infancy" in such matters. It is tedious I know. I feel like Billy Madison! lol

Hi Kitt,

Wow, these are bl**dy stubborn issues... but I'm still chipping away!!!
I took the gloves off with the telecommunication company yesterday. They owe me close to $10,000 under their customer service guarantee for not providing the service that I have paid nearly $2,000 for them to provide over the past 10 months. I recontacted the Ombudsman, I lodged a complaint with the Office of Fair Trading. I told the telecommunications company I would take independent legal action for their failure to uphold their end of the contract. I finally got to speak to someone in the position who could help. They will try and get the issue resolved within 48 hours. There are no promises, but they know they have the media and government bodies on their case as well as the consequence of independent legal action.
I finally got through to the court yesterday regarding the other matter. They had not put my correspondence onto the computer system, but did find it in the physical file. There is other stuff I have to do and they have asked me to resubmit the former application with the new one, just to give less chance of administrative error their side. I've put up A4 posters to advertise a flatmate, in places that the kind of person I am looking for would frequent - gym, educational facilities etc. I'm throwing the net a little wider and hoping that brings some results.
I don't mind if no one responds to my 3 pesky issues. Just having this thread running helps keep me on track - and accountable for progressing those issues. It also helps me not feel so overwhelmed by these situations in which I feel rather powerless and "beaten" in.

I'm going to an EMDR therapist next week. She won't provide EMDR straight off. She decides if it is appropriate on a case by case basis. There is a $50 commitment fee and the government subsidises 6 sessions, which really doesn't seem like much. Have other people found they require more than 5 sessions, coz that is the maximum I will fit in if I am deemed eligible on that first visit.

Jade