...just a thought for today....

im frustrated this morning because my daughter gave me a cold the other day now I just feel like crap, I cant breathe, have a headache, and im just achey and its making my anxiety worse for some reason??...ugh. anyway! im trying to stay calm... I was just laying here thinking (as I usually do when im not doing anything, not sure if its a good or a bad thing!) , how the heck do you keep from being depressed when you have anxiety?, I was telling my psychotherapist yesterday that the reason why I am, well get, depressed off and on, and I just cannot be happy, is because I cannot to seem to kick my anxiety what so ever (like I HAVE done many times in the past and got some relief..) and its making me so upset. Now I know why anxiety and depression often run together. I cannot find a way to be happy because anxiety is controlling me so bad, and it makes me miserable that I cannot control this monster!!! I cant do anything fun because of anxiety. I cant even walk fast or exercise because I get too anxious about my heart. This is a very miserable life to live. My therapist wants me to keep a journal, has this helped anyone? Right now my boyfriend is at work and he has been off for the last two days (which he is never off) and I guess I got used to him being home and there for me for the past 2 days, now I feel much more anxious and sad now that he is gone. Ugh. My kids are here with me and they know I have anxiety, but I don't want to ever show them how I feel because I don't want them to get anxiety...EVER. So I wouldn't want to introduce it to them by the way Im feeling. I feel that in some ways my 9 year old (who takes after me in pretty much everyday from looks, to headaches all the time ): ), already has anxiety, and it makes me so UPSET at the thought of her even having anxiety the slightest bit. If she ever feels the way I do Im going to feel like its my fault because I have heard that it is genetic at times as well,and my parents have both dealt with anxiety for periods of time so I figure this has contributed to my condition as well as my past. But back to my main question, if you have anxiety so bad that it is interfering with your life because you simply cannot control it, HOW HOW HOW can you be HAPPY? I don't want to pretend anymore, I want to BE HAPPY. Im only 26 years old and have spent the past 11 years with anxiety, I fear so bad that this will NEVER go away and Im doomed for life! This is very, very depressing, and Im angry because anxiety is STUPID. Like what is the point of it and why do people get it? This is NOT a way to live life, and I cannot describe any other way of feeling besides FRUSTRATED and ANGRY with it , as well as depressed at times. Im tired of worrying I just want to be carefree and enjoy life as a "normal" 26 year old with a family, job, and going to school. The fact that it is constantly being interrupted by anxiety is NOT a good feeling. Hopefully one day I can look back and be able to tell others how Ive overcame this,but I fear that it wont happen and that's what hurts the most.

Sorry so long, Im good at rambling on because Im just so frustrated and I could stand at the top of mt Everest and SCREAM my lungs out because of how frustrated Ive been with this b.s.

Hope everyone has a wonderful and anxiety (ugh I hate that word!) free weekend!

Lacey

So I guess it is a big factor genetically? I thought so, my teacher told me its the brain chemistry when its in the family, and sometimes there's just nothing you can do its up to your body. I cant see myself at 40 years old having panic attacks, don't know why I just cant see it. I guess because its been going on for soo long already now, that by then I feel as if something should have happened and I will be ok and able to live a normal life. Sometimes there's nothing you can do and its up to your body and how it works I guess, like its up to your body, not you, or what you do, when or if the anxiety will actually go away, which really sucks because then you just never really know. Ughh. Its really debilitating and as you said im VERY frustrated I told my therapist I wish I could just see anxiety and punch it in the face. He told me to picture what it would look like and I said a big scary monster with a big ugly face LOL. That is really what it is in my head,its ugly. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy because it is torture, everyday I am suffering! Nothing is fun to me anymore. Its very depressing! Hopefully one day we will get SOME relief, I just feel like SOMETHING has got to give, it cant be like this forever. I can only HOPE Im right!