Anxiety/Panic & Depression higher than ever, finally ready to type this, I think...

Ok, so as most of you know (I think?), I was in the process of moving a few months ago and couldn't be on here that much. We moved back to our home town on April 30th because something kept telling me that I needed to move closer to my family. We have been busy remodeling a fixer that we bought, so I really didn't have time to get on the computer all that much again.
I have been having problems dealing with certain places that I go around here because some things kick in a trigger for my PTSD. I have been working very hard on not letting that stuff bother me, and I feel I am doing good on that front, but that's not what is bothering me and having me so "messed up" right now.


It's my dad.... We knew he was feeling sick to his stomach all the time and he started losing weight, so he went to the doctor. They did blood work and his liver function test came back high, so the primary doc sent him to a gastroenterologist the following week for a Colonoscopy and an Endoscopy. They both came out fine. So the week after that, they sent him for an ultrasound of the gall bladder, spleen, liver, pancreas,etc...

That day he said he knew something was wrong because the ultrasound tech kept going over the same spot and then left the room and got another tech to come in, and HE kept looking at the same spot. They called the gastro doc while he was there, and he had to go in to see him the same day. There was a mass on his pancreas.

OK, so at this point we suspected he had cancer, and I thought that they could get in there, remove the mass and do chemo or something. And seeing as how we just lost my uncle (my dad's brother) in March to Multiple Myeloma, I was scared to death and I was not ready for the news that came next!

SO, the next step was a CT scan on the 26th of June. He was supposed to go back to him the following Tuesday and go over the results of that. Well, he called him the same day AGAIN and told him to come in at 5:00 that day, after he saw all of his patients for the day. He needed to speak to him right away.

It turns out that my daddy has stage 4 pancreatic cancer. It has already spread to his liver and lungs, so it's inoperable. There's really nothing they can do for him now besides trying chemo or radiation, which he is refusing.

They only gave him 2-6 months and he said he is not going to spend the last few months of his life being sick from chemo, he would rather enjoy the time he has left with his family.

Well... that Thursday, three weeks ago, when I found out, I had a TOTAL breakdown in my mom's kitchen. I wasn't expecting them to tell me he only had that little bit amount of time left. I have been a nervous wreck since then. My depression is horrible, my anxiety is through the roof, so much so that I have been having to take a total of 2 mgs of xanax a day, instead of the 1 to 1.5 that I normally take. One day it was like 2.5 mgs total. I guess I should say that I"m really supposed to be taking 3 mgs total a day, but I NEVER took that much, EVER.

I go to the house almost every day to check on him, and to keep my mom company and try to keep HER mind off of it by playing games like Scrabble and stuff, because she told me that when she's alone all she does is think about it. I am trying to stay strong for them both while I am there, and sometimes my dad will tell me what he wants for his services and what should be written in his obituary and stuff, but when I come home, I just sit and cry.

I feel so sad and depressed, and my anxiety is through the roof, and all of this stress is really making my fibromyalgia flare up to the point that I wake up every morning and it feels like someone is tightening a band around my rib cage so tight that I can barely breath. It doesn't go away until I get up out of bed, take some ibuprofen and a xanax and stretch my muscles in my back. I don't feel like going anywhere or doing anything. Half the time I don't even feel like jumping in the shower. It's THAT bad right now.

I guess I just needed to "dump" all of this weight off my back, and it feels a little better now, even typing it out. Well, actually the muscles in my back are so tight right now they feel like rocks, but you know what I mean.

I'm sorry if I put anyone's health anxiety on high alert from reading this, but I really did need to get it out. And I really appreciate all of you being here for me while I'm going through this. I have a feeling I'll be needing LOTS of encouragement from here on out.

Love you all!

((hugs)) Fox

Lost my dear brother to the same thing. Many tight hugs, I am so sorry. I know the feeling.

Dear Foxy,

I am so sorry to hear this news.:( I know how very difficult it must be for your family.

I am sending you many thoughts, prayers and wishes for comfort and peace, even in the midst of this extremely difficult time.

Thank you for sharing with us, and allowing us to support your during this time.

We WILL be here for you, so please post anytime that you need us to listen and surround you with love.

You and your family are now in my everyday prayers.

Talk to you soon.

S.C.

Dear  Fox,

What you have written is a chapter right out of my own book.............and I am so sorry you are going through this sad, sad time.

I was my Dad's only child and he was my hero............I was 39 years old when I received the call from my stepmom that my Dad was sick and a CT Scan was scheduled...........I remember sitting right down on the steps to our lower level and shaking like a leaf.  When my Mother added that Dad's skin was yellow I knew the news was going to be bad.

He had the CT Scan within a few days and the dx was Pancreatic cancer.  This was in 1985 so surgery was chosen - my Dad left for surgery and about 45 minutes later the Dr. came to the waiting room to tell my Mom and me the cancer was inoperable so it was an open and shut case.  He told us my Dad had maybe 3 months to live.

Being a nurse and loving my Dad so deeply I drew on a strength that I would not have believed I had................I turned all my attention toward my Dad and helping my Mom. I kept telling him how much I loved him.

As it turned out my Dad never came home from the hospital as he went into cardiac arrest 2 weeks to the day after his CT Scan.

To this day I miss him and especially now as I deal with my own dx of cancer.  I know he would have suffered tremendously if he had to watch me fight my own battle but I sure could use his love and hugs.

You are grieving knowing your Dad's prognosis so let the feelings in and know they are normal.  I wish I could tell you that this is going to get easier but the truth is, at least for me, every day was a battle to keep my chin up and press on. The world will seem to stand still for a while and you might even be angry once the world starts to spin again. I felt like if I let myself move on with my life, it was like I was leaving my Dad behind me.

Your dad sounds like an amazing man and I am sure he knows how deeply you love him and he will always know that. As cliché as this sounds, it really is true and I can tell you from experience, he is always with you. You will feel him in the strangest of ways in the coming months and years. The littlest things will be full of him and his spirit. If you need anything, even someone to talk to, please know you're not alone. I have been where you are, and I have been  on the other side of it for 29 years and I can tell you with certainty, you will be okay. Life is not ending. This is just a very hard, and sad chapter that is closing but your dad will always, always be with you.  

My email is open to you if you just want to talk or post here and you will find awesome support from all of your  old and new friends.

Love,

Kitt        

 

Dear Fox,
It seems to me that you have already shown yourself to be an amazingly strong person! One of my greatest fears is losing my Mom and if I had heard what you did, I would probably have had multiple breakdowns! But somehow we can even surprise ourselves when we survive through these sad traumatic times. My dear Dad passed away in 1998 and I still miss him, but I know that he is not suffering now and that helps me.
I am thinking of you and your family and I know it is incredibly hard right now to believe, but you WILL get through this.
Many hugs,
janetlee

Fox, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. This is a very troubling time for you and rightfully so. I think we tend to forget that we are very sympathetic and empathetic people and having been dealt this blow, it's perfectly normal and ok to feel this way. It's in these times where you draw strength from family and sometimes even strangers to help you through. You will get through this. Take this time to be kind to yourself and be with your dad. Tell him all the things you want him to know, and know that in the end, you've given yourself the opportunity to have those moments with your dad. Losing a parent is terrible, and waiting is even more tortuous, but please try and use this time that you have with your dad to the fullest. I hope and pray that your dad does not suffer, and is comforted by his family. Be good to yourself! Hugs, Lisa

Fox,

You will always have your good memories and some of those will happen even during this very difficult time.  I remember our youngest son sitting by Grandpa's bed and they just held hands.  Our Mike was 12 years old and my Dad was 72 - they were the best of friends.

I am keeping you in my prayers and I hope you keep letting out your feelings so we can support you the best we can.  Friends are special.

Love,

Kitt