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Holidays coming up and anticipatory anxiety.

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Posted 10/18/2014 9:24 AM (GMT -5)
I will try to make this short.  My anxiety is huge around holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas because there was always stress on me from my family to have holidays at my house, but four years ago I finally said no because they (my parents and sister and her family) never visit the rest of the year.  I had a falling out with them three years ago when I put up my boundaries  against their lies, guilt trips and manipulation that noone that says they love you should do. I have since forgave them and now they are assuming I will host the holidays, WRONG.  Here comes the anxiety and stress, omg how do I get thru it? I feel like a stranger, a black sheep to my own family. mad
Posted 10/18/2014 10:08 AM (GMT -5)
That definitely was a good decision you made to put up some boundaries. You shouldn't have to go through all that stress. I know how you feel Deborah. My sister used to phone me and ask if they can have Christmas with me and I would also just say no. I know the only reason she wanted to come to me was to be at the sea. I will not let people or family misuse me or allow them to affect my health negatively. Stick to your boundaries and look after your health and yourself. YOU MATTER! Thinking of you. Be strong! You will get through this.
Posted 10/18/2014 12:16 PM (GMT -5)
Don't let them control your stress. You were the bigger person and forgave which is one of the hardest things to do especially with family. Obviously you aren't hosting for the holidays so just make your point clear and let them think what they want. Keep yourself happy!!!! You'll be fine :)
Posted 10/18/2014 1:18 PM (GMT -5)
I can relate as I've always been the black sheep of the family. Excuses (false explanations) were made 'on my behalf' to explain away my behaviour. I've sucked it up and kept coming back for more and more.

Eventually, I did set up the boundary thing. And that's only recently. Mind you, I am 51 so it's taken me many years of repeatedly not learning from my mistakes (trusting them, thinking "oh this time it'll be different," etc.), and repeatedly trying to seek their approval.

I've come to the conclusion that only I know what's right for me and my family. Not them. They can go suck eggs if it bothers them. I finally don't really give a rat's patootie! Mind you it's taken me ages to get to this point, and there were a lot of false starts on this new boundary issue.

It takes time, but you can do this! :)





M.
Posted 10/18/2014 2:36 PM (GMT -5)
I know I can say no to being their hostess this year but what I'm kinda worried about is being in the same room with all of them.
Posted 10/18/2014 5:08 PM (GMT -5)
D.S.

The good news is that you are aware of your triggers, and have time to prepare!

Start practicing your coping skills now, so that you are strong at the ones you can do while simply sitting at a table...for example...breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, positive mantras, ect...

Journaling how you are feeling now, and up to the challenging times coming up will help you to process and deal with the anxious feelings.

You may not be able to avoid all of the stressors of the holidays...who can?

...but you can manage them well with some preparation!

S.C.
Posted 10/18/2014 5:12 PM (GMT -5)
Great input from everyone! I especially liked yours M. I am trying to get to that same level with my family.

Deborah. I know where you are coming from with the guilt trips you get. My mother does me the same way!

I have learned to put my immediate family first (my wife and 3 daughters). They're the ones I have to live with and they're the ones I aim to keep happy.

Families are supposed to love one another unconditionally. If you dont want to host the holidays at your house then tell them!!! If they love you they will understand. And if they don't then have a beautiful holiday with your immediate family!

Thanksgiving is a nightmare for me. My wife and I try to split our time between her parents and mine. Both of our parents puts a huge stress on us about how long are we going to stay and then gives us a guilt trip when we have to leave. Last year for Thanksgiving, I took my wife and three girls to the mountains. We went to the grocery store and stocked up on all the "Thanksgiving goodies"! I rented a beautiful cabin. We spent the day sight seeing and going to gift shops along the smoky mountains. My girls went sleigh riding and then ice skating. That night we made cookies and all bundled up on the couch and watched movies. The next day my wife started the thanksgiving meal while my daughters and I enjoyed ourselves in the hottub. It was by far, the most most beautiful and most memorable holiday!

Stand firm and dont let anyone walk on you! Wishing you lovely and stress free Holidays!

Your friend
Cornell

Post Edited (Cornell) : 10/18/2014 4:19:22 PM (GMT-6)

Posted 10/19/2014 7:06 AM (GMT -5)
I used to do host the entire family, do all the cleaning and make all the food. I stressed and stressed every year for weeks ahead and then POOF, the day was over, I was exhausted and, frankly, I don't think anyone really appreciated all I did. So I finally stopped doing the holidays and didn't care what anyone thought. It was about time for me, the grandmother, to turn over the reins to someone younger and I have really felt good about that decision. The holidays are SUPPOSED to be a time of happiness and joy being around your family. That doesn't mean YOU are the only one responsible for making that happen. Let other family members take their turn and give yourself a break.
Posted 10/19/2014 10:02 AM (GMT -5)
I really appreciate all your support, thanks so much. wink
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