Here we go again

Hi Friends. It's one of those days. I'm feeling shaky, my heart hurts, I'm feeling not quite with it and just unsettled. Is it from my illness? Is it anxiety? Is there something else wrong? I haven't eaten much all day. I just don't have an appetite.

My husband and I went out for dinner last night and everything was going well. I was quite happy and surprised. Then I mentioned wanting to have another child. He shot that down right away. He said if we did, we'd have to get rid of your dogs. I mean, get rid of my dogs?! They are family to me. I'm studying to be a vet! I would never abandon my dogs! I said, well one is 11, the other is almost 10 and the 3rd has so many health problems she probably won't be around long. He said yeah, no one would want them, we'd just have to put them down. What kind of person did I marry? Who could even suggest such a thing? Just load them all up and have them euthanized like they are nothing? Not to mention it goes against everything I believe in to do a convenience euthanasia. It just breaks my heart that he doesn't know/care how hurtful saying something like that is. I just feel so alone. I was crying and he walked away and went to watch tv. Who does that?

First of all, take a big deep breath.....pull back, and just let this go for now.

I'm just guessing here, so please bear with me. Is it possible that he really is not ready for another child and he felt "put on the spot" and in a defensive posture, feeling like his back was against the wall (even if you in no way ever intended to come across like that!)....he's known you long enough and well enough to have grasped at what he knew would be a personal Hot Button for you?

It's a maybe-possibility-kinda-sorta type of thing to at least consider. I'm not trying to defend his actions. (We actually got our last cat from my "mother" because,....you're going to love this one,....she had two cats and was getting new carpet put in her house, so obvious,....her logical choice? To get rid of the cats!) So to her, at that time, her stupid carpet was gauged as more important. Frosted my patootie big time, let me tell you.

But in the process we got this awesome cat!

Point is, sometimes people (especially if they're close to us) can get defensive real quick when they don't know what to say, and they know better than acquaintances how to push our buttons and which ones are stronger.

Sometimes,....a little cooling off period and gentle discussion farther down the road.....?





M.


PS: ALL my animals have always been my Family (capital "F"!!) So I gotcha!

We've talked about it, but he always says we have to wait until I'm done with school. I'll be 41 then and really have never wanted to have a child after 40. I was suggesting that we bite the bullet and try now so I can have the baby before I turn 40. Third year isn't as bad and yeah it would be hard for a while, but once I graduated we'd be in a good place, instead of delaying me going back to work by having a child after I graduate. He said he's got his hands full with our son and taking care of "my" dogs. That there is no way he could take care of another child. This after he told me last weekend I ruined his life because I'm in school and he wants more kids. :(

Oh yikes....this is really sensitive and clearly everyone will have an option, but you and ONLY you know your marriage and your situation. I don't know if you're in therapy, but I can promise that maybe the two of you talking this out with a therapist could help you understand each other's positions a little better.

To me it sounds like you may have changed the game plan a little by saying lets have a baby now, as opposed to when you originally planned for after you're done with school. I did that to my husband with our first child. I said we would wait until x time and then changed my mind and moved that time frame up. He became overwhelmed and defensive and we needed a little time to discuss our feelings and we sort of compromised. Maybe your hubby is feeling like there's a lot of pressure right now and he blew up. We all do it. We say things in the heat of the moment. I completely agree with Merrida. Take some time to cool off and maybe you guys can discuss why each of you is feeling this way. Why do you feel rushed now to have a baby and what is it at home that's making him feel so overwhelmed? Know what I mean? Hugs!

MissGigi

You have received excellent support and advice. It's funny because I also would like one more child. We have three daughters and I would like to have one more child, maybe a son? My wife shoots me down quick (in a lovingly way, Ofcourse). I respect her decision because after all, it's her body.

Trading your dogs in for a baby seems wrong and almost laughable. Tell him if he don't start showing you respect, you're going to trade him in! (Kidding Ofcourse)

Keep posting... It will get better, Promise!

Cornell

Thanks everyone. He's always been pretty insensitive and things have just gotten worse since I've been really having problems. I'm so fragile right now and I need love and support. I feel like I just get put down and criticized for everything. It's gotten to the point where i just don't say anything for fear of him saying something sarcastic or hurtful. If I mention that Something hurt my feelings he says, I didn't mean it that way, it's just your filter. He never acknowledges my feelings and says I'm sorry I hurt you. Our communication is so far gone, I don't know if we'll ever get back. We've tried two different counselors. The last was 2 years ago when he moved out.

Fair enough Fox. Those are legitimate points. However, I am not looking for a child to "save" our marriage.

I also live with someone who, when confronted with uncomfortable situations, says things that he doesn't really mean. I would offer a few suggestions. Find a time when you are not feeling so vulnerable and ask if you can have a serious conversation with your husband. tell him that the dogs are not negotiable. Have they always been "your dogs". My partner does the same thing when he doesn't want the responsibility of something. Ask him why he doesn't think it is a good time for another child. Also ask yourself if it is reasonable for you to ask him to take on the responsibility of another child while you are still in school. Also ask you rself why you feel the need to have another child. I agree with the member who said that it might not be in your children's best interest to bring another life into a stressful family situation. Do you want another child just for you? You could also adopt once you finish school. Have you thought about what you are going to do after school? Are you going to try to find a job as a full time vet? How is that going to impact your family situation? Will you have to have daycare for your new child? There are many things to consider. The most important part is to try to have a rational conversation with your husband. Write things down so if he throws you a curve ball, you can get back on track. Good luck. I have been living with someone like this for over 20 yrs. It is exhausting at times. i decided not to have kids and to keep my life pretty simple.

I am an only child. I made my friends become my siblings and I could pick them. i grew up watching my friends fight with their siblings. Just a thought.

I feel for you MG. My suggestion would be to try and work on the marriage before having another baby. I understand that you worry about your current son, but I can say as a child of divorce, that if you think the "d word" is even a possibility, you should hold off. All that would do is break the hearts of two little ones, as opposed to just one. My mom had my sister while she and my dad were barely even able to speak to each other, my parents divorced when my sister was just one, my sister and I were not close growing up at all and now she's been in therapy for years because she has major abandonment issues from growing up without a dad in our home. Don't feel rushed because you have this age in your head that you wanted to be done having babies by. Maybe all you and your hubby need is one more year and he'll feel better because your son will be in school more, or maybe you'll continue to wait it out? Who knows!

I'm hugging you!

I do agree with S.C. Once you get the desire in your heart to have that baby, it's hard to see anything but that. I know it blinded me. I got pregnant at a time where all I could think about was how bad I wanted that baby, so I completely looked past the heightened state of anxiety I'd been in. That coupled with the poor reaction to the IVF meds....well we know how that turned out. I still want that baby every day, but I've learned I have to look at the whole picture. I need to get myself together before getting pregnant again. And.....I somehow just rambled about myself. Done now. ;-)

One last thing to remember...I don't know what your personal feelings or religious beliefs are, when it comes to fertility treatments, but don't forget that God forbid you did have trouble getting pregnant due to age, you have science on your side!! There are always options. Women are having babies well into their 40's! You are not without options so definitely take comfort in knowing that!!

How many more years do you have left? How much time have you already put in?

You have to do what feels right for you. Do you see a therapist or have a close friend you can talk this over with before you make such a huge decision?