Something different from me (warning: depressive)

I'm not sure where else I can put this, so I'm sorry if this is out of place.

What do you do when you tell yourself you're a worthless, evil person...And you're right about everything you say? Lately I feel I was put on the world as a deity's idea of fun, just to see how many ways they can make a single human being be humiliated.

- I have no talents. All things I've tried have either failed or are so pathetically simple they aren't talents.

- I am stupid. In every aspect, even hobbies like video games, I am stupid. I fall for the same tricks again and again, and I lack any kind of social smarts or general knowledge.

- I am terrible at what I love to do. I want to work in a zoo, but I seem to know next to nothing about animals at all. There's just a handful I want to work with really. I was fired from A VOLUNTARY JOB because I was THAT bad at it. THAT bad after trying to get through a degree course and only managing it because the lecturers practically held my hand through it all.

- No matter what I do, a hundred-thousand people at least 10 years younger than me can do it better (I'm 23). I do not contribute anything to the world in any way, shape or form.

- I am still single, wheras the rest of my family was married by my age. Partly because I am homosexual (the family doesn't really approve of it), a geeky nerd (right down to the dumb voice and glasses) and a furry, so local society already things I should stay in the basement.

- I can't even pull off the world's most simple job properly (I work on a till and make at least one big mistake every single time).

- I'm not a good hearted person no matter how much I worry about it. In fact I'm probably plain evil. I frequently hurt or ignore people and lie and show greed and laziness, or plain illegality. I keep too many dark secrets. I do too few good deeds compared to the bad I do - I will probably be sent to hell if it exists, especially because I have given up my belief in God. I have MAJOR sins to deal with that I cannot take back.

- I have a chronic illness (LPR reflux), but I deserve it. I fret about it every day when there are people far worse off than me. I have often said that I wish I had what they had, for the sake of relief from my pain, and have been called "evil" for saying such things. LPR has made me consider running into a busy road too many times for me to count.

- I frequently wish I could be struck down dead... and I've been told I wouldn't be missed.


As you can see I do not deserve to be alive. However to top of my faults, I lack the courage to hurt myself in any way. I have frequently thought of travelling to Switzerland to enlist some help in the idea, but I can't pull it off because I'm too talent-less to hold a job and earn the money to travel there. Therapy and medication doesn't help because I feel depressed at the fact I need therapy and medication, there are no cures for my LPR which is a major source of my depression, and I cannot change my past, so I know my sins will always be on my head. Most medication makes me even more depressed anyway. Talking to others doesn't help because I do it too often, and they tell me to "go outside and get a life." Even here, I frequently ask for help too often and never given anything back in return. I'm fully aware of it. That's just evil.

Am I too worthless to go on? What good is someone who is only good at "pressing A to jump" anyway?

Post Edited (Daxter) : 11/22/2014 2:06:31 PM (GMT-7)

Daxter,

You are being waaaaaay to hard on yourself. But I think a lot of people have some of the same thoughts as you do about themselves, belive it or not. I sometimes have judgements about people that are not nice. Sometimes I feel inadequate in certain situations. I feel mean sometimes. I've done horrible things in the past that I am not proud of. These are very human feelings that most everbody feels. You are not alone in that.

Hey Dax,

My heart is heavy reading all that you are feeling and going through. You are a good...if flawed person, just like the rest of us...and you deserve to feel happy.

Two things stuck out at me from your post...one is a book that I think you might benefit reading. It's called "What Happy People Know" by Dr. Dan Baker. This is not some 'feel good about yourself BS' type of book. This guy is a psychiatrist who works with people dealing with extremely dire life circumstances. ..and helps them to accept, even thrive in spite of their situations. It was pretty much a game changer for me. I highly recommend it.

The other thing is your reluctance about therapy...the fact that you don't like needing it. I am here to tell that EVERYONE needs therapy. If you are alive...you need therapy.

However...not everyone is strong enough to CHOOSE it.

I believe in you...and that you are.

We like you around here Dax. Do US a favor and get the help that you need. We want you to stick around.

S.C.

I'm sorry you feel this way. I myself have questioned my actions at one time or another. I agree with the others that you should try to find a therapist that works for you. No one's perfect and you should not be so hard on yourself.

I'm not in your position but I feel there are people much worse off that would give anything to have the options that you have. Try to focus on the small things. Try to find something you enjoy. A lot of times when I am feeling down I will get into a certain T.V. show or video game and it takes my mind of the stressful parts of my life. I know it's not a permanent fix but it does help.

u r in my prayers
all my best