Letting People Back in That You Don't Trust

cb1234:

I have trouble with my family also.

I gave up contact with the two remaining members of my family (my older brother and sister) seven years ago with the death of my wife from a long illness.

I forbade them from coming to her funeral. I don't want to go into a lot of detail, either, but sometimes you just know, it's time to stop this. All the kids have grown, the parents are deceased, no need to let them keep attacking me. And if they're not around me, they can't attack.

They have pathology, which, if they get in my presence, they can work their magic, and it's too late, once they've gotten into your presence.

So no contact. Sometimes you can reach an age where you don't need to ask anybody's permission to stop such contact. You can make that decision on your own.

In a way, the worse thing that can happen is, you can go back to those relationships. But, then, maybe the best thing that can happen is you can see you were right to begin with, to break the relationships, and that mistake can strengthen your resolve not to make that mistake again.

You said, I kept getting contacted and finally gave in....
I regret it right now and I don't know what to do....it's getting me very stressed out..."

You said, "I regret it right now and I don't know what to do...."

You regret it (you know what to do, stay away from them) but you don't know what to do.

So, even when you know what to do (stay away from them) you don't know what to do.

So, in a way, you are your own worst enemy. Even though you know what to do, you let them talk you back into that.

Here's what I do. My phone, I cut the ringer off for health reasons, only later do I look to see who has called, and listen to any voice messages. If it's someone I don't want to call back, or has no name on the phone box, and has left no message as to who they are and what they want, I don't call them back.

My brother called on my birthday in March. Sent shivers through my spine. I didn't call him back. He can't talk me into anything if I don't talk to him.

He can't hurt me if he can't get into the same room with me, one on one where nobody else can hear the hurtful conversation. My goal is not to get into the same room with him, by not being anywhere around him.

The first mind you have to make up as to what to do is your own.

What do you want to do?

You said:

"I have been tough and mean and it doesn't work...keep getting contacted...feel bad...vicious cycle"

The "keep getting contacted" part.

I was going to mention in the first post, but I forgot, how do you answer your phone?

Every time it rings you pick it up and say, "Hello?"

Oh, sitting duck.

When I was first learning how to use phone boxes, I started by learning to look at the screen as to who was calling.

The only name I was looking for was my sister's. I knew if I saw her name, I was not to pick up the phone.

Can you look at the name on the screen first, and if it's one of your relatives, don't answer the phone?

You said, "I really know what I did was not for myself but to be kind to the person that was trying to contact me."

Well, you see where niceness got you with these people? Are we going to do that again? Are we learning from our mistakes?

She said, "I love you," and you said, "I'll be at the next family gathering," and then they blasted you. Right.

My family would do a real friendly opening statements, also, to sucker me in. On the phone message from my brother in March to "wish me a happy birthday," he said, "love to get together and have a nice talk," working the word "love" into the conversation.

Did I bite? No. He has to get his foot in the door, before he can verbally attack me one on one.

Is that what your family is doing? Real nice phone conversation, and then they blast you once at the family gathering?

Oh, weak. You said, "I suffer from anxiety a lot now and was recently diagnosed with Lyme's disease which is taking everything out of me... Please Help."

They perceive you as weak. Bullies love weak. Until you let them know, you've had it with their attacks, they're going to keep coming back. And, when they see you as strong, they're going to keep coming after you because you're strong. So, what are we going to do?

There is a saying, "I'd rather die on my feet then live on my knees."

I've tried both and each had their problems.

Hi CB,

I am sorry to hear of your relationship challenges with your family...that is very difficult. I understand, and personal conflict is big trigger for my anxiety as well.;(

Dealing with this, along with your new dx of Lyme is a lot. You'll need to be careful to keep yourself out of over stressful situations to maintain your best health all around...

...so giving yourself permission to set up and keep boundaries is not only okay...but smart on your part.

Deciding how much time and energy you can devote to any given family member and sticking to your plan is okay...and you don't have to explain anything to anyone...you just need to be firm in your resolve.

I wish you the best in everything....and invite you to post with us anytime for anxiety sharing and support!

Talk soon,

S.C.