Need courage… need advice

I feel like someone standing on thin ice just waiting for it to break. The thing I crave most is safety and security but I've never had that my entire adult life.

The last year has also been particularly challenging. I have Ulcerative Colitis and have been flaring for over a year now. Before that I had plans to expand my business but now I am just in survival mode. That is, I am working very hard to just keep my business alive as I have been very sick.

I will be proposing this December to a young lady, I really love. We are planning on having children too. This is a wonderful thing in many ways but I can't shake the feeling that this is just life setting me up for more failure and heartache.

I sometimes picture a future where it all goes wrong. I am too sick to work and provide for my family. My new wife hates and resents me. Eventually, she leaves me and I am alone again.

My last marriage ended in divorce, my first wife cheated on me. She went back to school and felt trapped in the marriage so she wanted out. The hardest thing was to watch someone that once loved you, grow to hate you, resent you--to be annoyed by your very presence. I would try to hold her hand and she would just shake it away. I tried to say I love you and she would tell me that I was saying it too much. The day she told me she was cheating her eyes were so cruel and cold.

This is what I fear most going into the new marriage. Not just that it might fail but that the person I love will eventually look at me with cold and distant eyes and feel nothing for me but contempt. How can I shake this feeling and fight this constant anxiety.

Hi Utah,

I think it's important to talk to your new partner about your fears. As SC said above, you don't want to drag issues from a past relationship into a new marriage.

It sounds like you're playing the "what if" game a lot (we've all been there!). It's generally not helpful and leads you to worry about many things that will never happen. Worrying won't prevent or cause any of the fears you listed to happen.

The best thing to do is be proactive, talk with your partner, and make sure you're taking care of yourself too. See a therapist if you need to - they can really help with coping skills.

Sending you lots of strength!

Thank you so much everyone for your advice. I have been working hard on my anxiety. I do believe the stress of the chronic illness really took its toll and effected my perspective on things. I have been working through that and am feeling calmer now.

The wonderful young lady in my life is truly giving and kind. I am confident that my second marriage will last. I won't let what happened to me in the past effect my outlook of the future.

Hi,

As a fellow man, i would like to share some of my asian culture. They say a man who is strong enough to carry(responsibilities) is strong enough to let go of it. You've got to understand yourself and hopefully not put too much pressure on your partner :). We live with anxiety but it doesn't control us!

Stay strong, one day above ground is one great day.

Cheers,
The japanese boy.