Am I having a Panic "Relapse"?

Okay. This is my first ever post on any forum ever. I am anxious/wanting to cry while laying in bed typing this.

I may be experiencing some heavy depression as well, but I have been experiencing daily panic attacks so I assumed that this would fit best in this category.

I am 23, had my last physical/check up at my primary doctor September 2016, everything checked out perfectly except I was border line vitamin D deficient. I dont eat meat or drink milk, I have very limited amounts of dairy, so I assumed that had something to do with it but I've also always heard that almost all average people don't get enough of vitamin D. I digress.

So I'm basically healthy as all hell. I had my first memorable panic attack at 15 years old, and was prescribed paxil, took it for about 3-4 days and told my mom I knew that was not for me. So I stopped.

My mom and step had been very involved with medications, and I did not have a very happy childhood so perhaps that's where my rejection of medication comes from.

Anyway, like all of you I'm sure, I have been through some traumatizing experiences all my life.

After my best friend of 9 years removed me from her life, and my boyfriend and I's dog (our pride and joy) passed away, I was having explosive crying fits almost once a week and I finally found a therapist.

I saw my therapist from OCT. '16 TO DEC '16 and I felt like $1M. I learned so many good habits, took care of myself more, talked to myself more, followed more passions, read more, picked up meditation, wrote more and all of that good stuff. I then decided to take a break from therapy to enjoy my newfound happiness in my physically new space (we moved out in Jan '17).

I then was feeling verbally attacked by my boss one day in January and quit out of defense.

That was a pretty hard thing to deal with I guess, because after that I started getting anxiety more as the days went by.

I started pursuing my art full time, selling commissioned portraits, and actually have been finding greater success than I ever have (I've attempted pursuing my art full time before and felt as if I "failed" every time).

This brought me some physical stress, staying up late painting, painting every day from 10am to 11pm, one or 2 all-nighters. and finally I decided I need a creative break.


so the last 5 days were my "break" and the 1st day was my first therapy session since December, and the rest of the 4 days I spent back and forth from the couch to my bed trying to fight against these "new" lingering feelings of total sadness and fear. My attacks got so bad some days that my muscles tremble, my feey get sweaty, nothing feels comfortable, and i tell myself I'm going to pass out even while laying down and all I wish for is to fall asleep.

triggers these past days have had a lot to to with my hypochondria, thinking I have dehydration (i drink around 60oz water a day if not more), diabetes (literally got blood work done a few months ago and it does not run in my family), and whatever else google tells me.

I have talked a friend or my boyfriend's ear off atleast once every day trying to "get it all out".

But still. I'm laying in bed right now, my nerves literally feeling frayed, and I'm scared, and I'm sad, and I feel alone.

I'm thinking did I have a panic disorder relapse?

I know there is one big thing that I've nevet brought up in therapy and that is the losing my best friend of 9 years thing, i hate talking about it.... I'm finally going to another session tomorrow and I'm DETERMINED to talk about that and anything else that comes to mind.

I dont think I have ever been this affected by my anxiety. I'm usually so strong.

I am supposed to go back to work painting today but I really think I still need time to heal. I am not really religious but I believe in the Universe being a force greater than myself, and I know this is all for a reason...


but I just thought I could use some help not feeling so alone. so sick. so.....doomed...

I have been trying to stay off of my phone. But I feel like I need to hear from people besides those around me.

Anyone relate?

-Alexa

Thank you Larry. I used to be the lead singer of a band, that broke up when I left in 2014. After I shared this post onto this page I turned on some of my favorite music and sang with my FULL power, as loud as I could without hurting myself, without any concern for my roommates in the other room. It felt really great. I miss that release.
But Yes, I also used to do more muscle training abd exercise, I think I do need to move a bit more.

And thank you telling me I have plenty of time. I always feel rushed. Being a creative person, I have a hard time feeling like there's enough time in the day.

I am calm now. Ready for lunch.

I wish you peace as well.

That is very interesting. I was always exceeding class and testing expectations in my early education- elementary years and then when middle school came along i became depressed and gave school just enough to get by, I lost interest....So I never really consider myself a highly intelligent person based on my grades in high school and my failed attempts at college.

but this does bring some comfort and some mindfulness. I have a very active brain and should grateful for that.

Thank you again!

Thank you Scaredy Cat, this forum has helped me well for being one day! I am thankful for your response and dedication to helping people like myself.

I am stronger. I will remember this. But I am exhausted...so I will allow myself the rest I need to keep being strong.

I wish the best for you.

mvtchi,

For me to deal with my PTSD and panic/anxiety attacks, I try breathing excersies (sp?) and even adult coloring books as ridiculous as it sounds (since I can't draw for the life of me), then as a last resort, I've been given Xanax, and it really helps so if you don't mind a single drug that IMO really helped me, even on my worst nights.

I hope this helps somewhat. Good luck with everything.