Panic attacks about colonoscopy

Hi, I am new here. I'll try to make a long story short. In 2004, I had a disastrous outpatient gall bladder surgery--should've been simple, and it went all wrong (I was discharged vomiting bile--and we later learned the surgeon cut my liver, but never told us--no wonder I felt awful). It took months to recover. I developed panic attacks, PTSD, and a severe phobia of hospitals. I avoided most routine medical care until I got into therapy, where I stayed for about 4 years.

In 2009, I had to have spinal surgery due to severe damage to my neck--and I had a great team of people who cared and helped me get through it just fine (a bit of vomiting, but I was inpatient, so they stopped it quickly). I later went on to have a second neck surgery with no problems. I was cured of my phobia! (Not having Versed turned out to help a lot--but that's my choice, and I understand it helps others. Ditto on epidurals for birth--I know they help many people, but I avoided one and had no problems).

Last spring, I had to have an ovary removed due to a cyst (we weren't sure what it was; benign, thankfully). Outpatient surgery went great--it was almost pain free. I even joked with my doctor beforehand. But once again, I had severe nausea. The mean nurse in charge of the outpatient unit forced me to leave (it was 4:45 PM, hmmm)--and there was a night and day of vomiting before it stopped. My doctor was horrified (I looked like an eggplant from all the bruising). I vowed then that unless it was life or death, I was done with being drugged for surgery--that's the point here. While strange, I have severe vomiting (and some trouble breathing) with the standard pre-op sedation and "light" anesthesia drugs such as Versed, Propofol, Fentanyl, and Demerol. Yeah, no one believes Propofol makes me queasy. They insist it doesn't.

Hoping to avoid the sedated colonoscopy (the prep--bah, no big deal--I can handle that), I did Cologuard--and it came back positive. My PCP said I definitely needed a full colonoscopy because this could just be nothing--or it could be something serious.

I have researched for hours. I've called about a dozen places and even have a request into the Mayo Clinic to do unsedated colonoscopy (they published an article on it in Feb '17). Currently, I'm scheduled for one at the nearest hospital, with Valium and Phenergan only (a sedative and an anti-nausea med) in 2 months (a long time to wait). And this was after asking many doctors within a 100 mile radius of the small town where we live if they'd do it unsedated. Only this one gastroenterologist would consent to this--and reluctantly. I do know the anesthesiologist, and he did my neck surgery anesthesia and is great. (The gastro wants an expert on hand due to my neck problems, narrow airway, and drug reactions, so I'm fine with that, just in case).

So, why am I freaked? a) The endoscopy center is like a factory--they are on a move 'em in, move 'em out schedule. There is NO privacy except for 'side curtains'--you are naked and have to see doped up people in the hallways moaning (or maybe be one yourself). Also, they do not allow a family member to be there during prep. b) I'm a hard stick on a good day--takes about 5 awful stabs and 10-20 minutes (I just have wee, rolly veins--even my PCP said so). c) I'm scared that if I start barfing, they won't care--they have that tight schedule to keep and will boot me out, just like has happened twice before. d) I admit it--SUPER CONTROL FREAK. I never have a problem with dental work because they use a local. Sedation scares me to death.

I've meditated. I've journaled. I take walks. I've spoken with a counselor and with friends. And I'm ashamed to admit the only reason I haven't gone at my wrists with a sharp knife is my fear of hurting my teenage son, who is a great kid. My husband tried to understand, but he can't.

The pain and anguish in my heart and head is so terrible, I want it to end. I'm turning into an awful person, and it's affecting my work and my family. And I've got to sit around for 60 days like this?!? With my BP way over my normal 127/80 and pulse regularly 90-120? BTW, where we live, no one is willing to prescribe anything for acute anxiety attacks (thank you, DEA).

That's my story. I'm so tired of people saying, "You won't remember a thing!" or "Oh, the prep is the bad part--you'll love the good drugs!" The endoscopy lady I spoke to tried to contradict me on the Propofol--"No one gets sick from it--you should use it, it'll help." I think all these people are trying to be kind. But it's not helping. I've got 60 days of severe anxiety ahead, and I'm simply out of ideas. (BTW, to get back into FT counseling and medication will take about 2 months--we live in an area with VERY limited resources).

I don't know what to do. Any ideas? Any recommendations? I'm willing to fly somewhere to get this done unsedated. I live in the southeast. Thank you for reading!

Dee

Thank you! I will definitely ask about the headphones/music (my dentist likes this). This hospital is sooooo rigid on their rules. I was told I might be asked to move around from time to time. But it's worth asking....I used some hypnobirthing in labor (16 years ago). I've had Valium before as well--I would say it doesn't knock me out, but rather takes the edge off. That's better than nothing, but the whole point was I really didn't want anything...The part that bothers me most is being alone and in such an "open" environment with strangers plus the whole stabby needle bit and fear of nausea. I go mid-January.

I have had 3 colonoscopies, and lived to tell about it.

As a bipolar, I got the shakes, also. All 3 times, I got the shakes.

I also did not want to get colon problems, and knew I would prefer getting the colonoscopy to worrying about colon problems.

What you're trying to do, over all, is reduce the possibility of colon problems. And that is a way to do that with this procedure.

To take away that medical advancement because we have the shakes is kinda ridiculous.

And to get rid of the shakes, they have calmatives, but you don't want to take the calmatives. You're just putting yourself in a box.

I didn't like the idea of being in there with all of those other patients, either. But to be able to do so many procedures, that's what they have to do, so they can go from one person to the other and make so many people well. And we need to help them.

I didn't like the idea of being in there for awhile while they walked around and did all these things. But I had to man up. And I'm glad I did.

A.,

People give encouragement and advice in different ways. No offense is ever meant...as this group is loving and supportive.

Everyone is coming in with different filters...so keeping in mind that intentions are good....whether or not you agree with what is being said goes a long way...

We all hope that you find the most comfortable (as comfortable as a colonoscopy can be, that is, lol) method of getting your procedure done!

We will be here with you in spirit...encouraging and supporting you through the process. You are doing a great job of advocating for yourself...and it will definitely result in good things for you.

S.C.

We are all here on this site because we have anxiety so we understand.

I just had my 2nd colonoscopy last month. Did I dread it, yes, did I fear it, yes but I did it anyway
because I know that it can be a life saving test.

I live in a large metro area with excellent medical options. I went to a gastro place and they are experts.
The test I had 10 years ago wasn't as great as the one I just had. They put you in a private room while they prep you then they take you to a private mini operating room where the procedure is done. (they did blow out the vessel on my hand, which has happened before, had to use the other one, no big deal) They said turn to the left and we are going to start the medication and the next thing I knew I woke up in another room.

The feeling you have after being done with it is the best in the world. I lived thru it, I was given an all clear.

My point is try thinking of the outcome instead of every moment of the procedure. You mind can create the worst possible scenarios, your mind can make up all the horrible things that can go wrong. Focus on the thought that they will find nothing wrong or even if they do find something, it's early and can be fixed.

After reading your reply to my post, I went back and re-read your original post, the part about your throwing upon being given tranquilizers, etc., for a medical procedures, and being sensitive to meds.

I must have read that, for I wrote, "You're putting yourself in a box by being nervous over a colonoscopy but not wanting to take any meds."

I can relate in that I have a sensitivity to meds in that, they don't make me want to throw up, but they attack a particular health problem that I have, so I, too, have to be very careful with meds, and nobody else understands it.

I had to have cataracts taken off of my eyes 4 or 5 months ago. The questioner said, "Are you allergic to anesthesia put you sleep medicine?" Well, I know I negatively react to all medicines, and I didn't know what the anesthesia was doing to do to my now worsened health condition.

I hesitated. On one hand, I might have a neg. reaction to it. On the other hand, I wouldn't be able to see if the cataracts were not removed. Oh, my.

I just put "No" so they wouldn't stop all the procedures. I talked with the nurses as I lay there, they were all nice, they put me to sleep, they removed my cataracts, they gave me contact lenses, and that's why I'm able to see what I'm writing right now.

I'll tell you how bad it is. My doctor gave me Vitamin D pills, but I noticed they caused my health condition problems. So I quit taking them. Went to the net, they said Cod Liver Oil for Vit. D. I take it in small amounts, spaced out, and I can tolerate that better.

I've cut back on my blood pressure pills, for they hurt my worsened health condition. I sometimes only take them when my chest starts hurting, so I know what being hurt by medicine is, and concerned about taking any pills.

So I now much better see how being given a tranquilizer, etc., could really concern you.

I was never in a hallway, I was always in a room with other patients, so we were kinda there with each other. Has something like that happened to you at one time?

So, now we're down to, taking medicine only if you need it? Have you figured that one out yet?