Hi! I'm new to the forum. I just wanted to share my story and see if I can get some advice.
I've been struggling with anxiety on/off for almost 8 years. However, over the years, I feel like it's been getting worse, mostly due to growing up and having more adult responsibilities (I am 27). I grew up very sheltered, my own mother suffers from GAD/Health Anxiety and you could say I learned many behaviors from her. In 2011 my dad suffered a heart attack when we were home one weeknight. I called 911 and after that everything else felt like a blur. I remember the nurses telling me I would be at risk as I got older because my dad had his at 55. After my dad was discharged, my anxiety kinda took off. I would have really anxious moments and situations where I thought my heart would beat out of my chest. I would skip classes, go home, hide under the blankets and basically practiced a lot of avoidance behaviors. I was rushed to the ER twice in panic mode with my HR at 130 and high BP. I've been through all the medical tests; multiple ECG's, two echo-cardiograms, one stress test, one week of heart monitoring, etc. Nothing has ever been found wrong with my heart but I refuse to believe it. All of my anxiety and panic symptoms revolve around my chest being tight, chest pain, shortness of breath, and dizziness/sweating. I am always certain I'm going to have a heart attack.
Two years ago I moved out, got engaged, and finished my degree. I went through a pretty tough transitional period of being at home while my husband went off to work. I got very depressed, gained a ton of weight, and also started displaying agoraphobic symptoms like not wanting to leave the house. I would feel panicky in stores while running errands. I was staying up till 4am and waking up at 1pm. You get the idea. It was very tough leaving home and getting used being independent. Finally one day I got fed up and threw myself into the job search. I felt confident because I had a degree but I also felt very unsure about
whether I would find a job. I landed the dream job in May of 2017, and the first three months here were great, I was so enthusiastic about
the work and everyone around me was so surprised I'd started working and did a total 180. I even started working out at the gym for 40 minutes after work!
Fast forward to about
August 2017, I start to dread coming to work. I start to fall apart and have panic attacks left and right in my office. I start to miss days. My boss tries to be understanding of my condition but they still have expectations I have to meet. I slowly but surely start hating my job and want to quit. My husband talks me off the ledge multiple times and tells me it's an avoidance behavior to quit and to just stick with it. My boss starts to let me know I am slacking which just puts me more in a panic. I end up going to the ER again for a panic attack only to be put on fluids and Ativan (IV). I start to lose interest in my work and no longer feel passionate about
my job. However, I am now "stuck" here because this job provides me benefits like going to therapy and health insurance. Also, I won't lie, I like making my own money and having that freedom.
Two weekends ago (January 2018) I go out with a friend to eat. I start feeling like a panic attack is coming on, and I don't know what to do. I start making up excuses to go home. I can't finish the food on my plate due to extreme nausea. I start running to the bathroom and deal with some diarrhea. I start thinking the world is closing in and I leave my friend with some BS excuse and go home. Back at home, I can't seem to calm down. I am sweating and thinking about
calling 911. Eventually I calm down and my husband helps me relax. However, it's been two weeks now and I still feel the same awful feeling. I even went to urgent care thinking I had a UTI or a stomach flu from feeling so sick. I get put on antibiotics "just in case" and those didn't help me whatsoever. Every morning I wake up shivering, sweating, and thinking I'm going to die. I've been dragging myself to work but I still feel like crap when I am here and get random burst of anxiety. I'm so afraid this two week panic period is going to give me a stroke or heart attack. My body just feels fatigued regardless of what I do. I'm so scared.
I started going to therapy last week and my therapist really recommends I get on medication and do CBT together. I've been avoiding meds for such a long time but now I think I am ready. My husband and family believe I am strong enough to do CBT for a few more weeks and if nothing improves I should definitely be on medication to come to work and function. In the meantime I am dealing with some sort of hell that won't stop and I'm afraid I'm going to die from all this stress. I've been doing breathing exercises, daily yoga, and some meditation every single day since I started therapy. My therapist has also challenged me to confront my feelings and keep a thoughts journal. But I feel worse than ever. My husband thinks it will get worse before it gets better because now I'm not avoiding and I am dealing with the root causes of my anxiety. I just need advice and reassurance that I can make it through this
