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boss notices insecurities

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Posted 4/23/2014 10:08 PM (GMT -5)
I have been in the financial industry from age 20, and in managerial positions from age 24.  I am now 46.  One thing I have never been able to escape is that eventually, in this stressful field, almost every boss I have had ultimately says something to this effect; "you are so driven, so passionate, knowledgeable, but........ you are so insecure (or, something they can't quite put into words)."  The truth is the following:

  • I was born a worry wart, which in turn includes anxiety, that ultimately became bouts of panic over the yrs (panic part has improved to a good degree, but not the over thinking, worry, and anxiousness.
  • So we all know I may be pre-disposed to being this way, but the environment I grew up in cemented it!
  • Also, this type of work environment; fast paced, unpredictable, stressful, goal/results driven...only makes it worse, but it is all I know. I always tell my husband, who in this universe chartered my course towards this industry, knowing I am not built for it (knowledge and experience is there, but otherwise........).
  • This non-stop, unable to truly plan a day environment, creates reactionary behavior, when I MUST find time to be proactive. 
  • Honestly, I have seen the environment cripple otherwise confident individuals into a "hot mess."
  • While others, for whatever reason, just have the constitution for it.  They are not missing the reboot "chip" so to speak.  They are just wired for it.  And, truly, some know how to get the extra help they need, so they can still work hard, but not chase their tails, they can slow down and proactively manage.
  • I'm logical, I know a lot of anxiety and "chasing my tail" results from fear; Fear of failure, fear of losing my job, fear of forgetting to do something, or have my team get things done, or coach them properly etc.
  • I have seen a therapist in the past, which helped a bit, but time and money got in the way. 
  • I reluctantly tried drugs for anxiety and panic, or whatever this overwhelmed, over thinking stuff I do is.  The only one that works, is the short term one that allows me to give speeches, or stop panic if I feel it's lurking.
  • Does not help that I feel anxiety has helped me from forgetting something, or in some strange way, has served me well - like I need to worry so I can stay on top of everyting that is going on, and so I won't let my guard down, or be prepared for the "what ifs" - you get the picture.

So I guess me posting this is to try to find some answers, to see if anyone is going through the same thing.  I do love what I do, even though it makes me feel so bad.  I can't just change jobs due to financial responsibilities, plus I don't want to run from the issue.  I know if they staffed better, I could handle the work load, therefore, become more proactive than having to try to balance this crazy busy, seemingly impossible workload that just fuels the issue and brings it to light for others to see.  I'm always like "darn, there it is again."  What am I saying or doing that shows it, or is it just that noticeable??? I can honestly say, at the rare times in which I had enough of a staff to truly have time to manage, those were they bosses that gave me the Pillar of Strength thumbs up!

Any advice?  I know this is long, but believe me, I still feel it hardly, truly, explains the environment and the resulting impact it has on me....  sad

Posted 4/24/2014 1:06 PM (GMT -5)
Hi VG.,

I vacillate between feeling very confident, and sometimes feeling less sure of myself at times...especially when stressed/anxious.

One thing that has helped me is to realize that no one but me knows how I am feeling on the inside...and it is totally up to me what the world sees from the my outward persona...

...in other words, I can display confidence even if I am not fully feeling it.

There is that expression 'Fake it till you make it.'...

That's not to say that you can't be genuine and yourself...but exuding self assurance, even when you think you can't, will actually begin to build your confidence.

It may be bravado initially, but it has worked for me.:)

There are also programs that teach these techniques that you could look into...
...and of course continue to work on your anxiety management skills.

Peace and progress.

S.C.
Posted 4/24/2014 2:05 PM (GMT -5)
Figured I'd jump in and ^^agree^^ with S.C.

I can recall hearing the phrase "Fake it 'til you make it," and for a long while, I felt it was condescending, trite, and cliché. I felt that phrase didn't take my personal anxiety seriously, and that it was a silly statement to make.

Ahh, but then, I had one of those moments where a figurative brick fell out of the sky and landed on my head and it sunk in, and suddenly,....the clarity came.

There is a lot of truth in that statement. Sometimes, oddly enough, it matters who says it, how it's said, how you hear it, how it's put, when you hear it, and if you're ready to absorb it.

But it's really true, and it's really effective. When your mind is ready to at least play with this experience, even if it's every once in a while, you'll notice it too. It's rather magical! :)







M.
Posted 4/24/2014 4:54 PM (GMT -5)
I would not, personally, use the "fake it..." expression, but I have implemented this strategy with some success. I have a high-level professional position with a lot of responsibility and the usual stress that accompanies such positions. I am expected to give 100% all the time. That is a fair expectation, and I am well compensated for it. Of course, as you all will appreciate, there are times that anxiety makes this very difficult. On the inside, at some times, I feel totally consumed by my anxious thoughts. I have enormous internal tension. I cannot think about anything other than the particular issue that is "bothering" me. And at these times I hate being around others. But I tell myself "this is my problem to deal with, and my employer is entitled to a fully functioning, confident, focused and responsive senior level professional." So I keep it inside, put on a good face, and compartmentalize as best I can. Is it easy? No. Sometimes I have to close my door and just be tense, by myself, for a few minutes. But it is possible. I am saying this not to toot my own horn. There are many things I am not good at. I am just telling you that someone in your position (more or less, I am guessing) has managed to maintain an external level of confidence, etc., in work place setting. Best regards, Medved
Posted 4/24/2014 8:53 PM (GMT -5)
OMG I totally relate and I'm going thru a difficult time right now and questioning if despite all the financial perks should I get off this merry go round or roller coaster or whatever the hell I'm on.

And freakishly, on my way to work I told myself- just fake it til you make it.

I made progress in one way and then my direct report decides to have a big confrontation with me at the end of the day. I talked to my boss about it and he said she was wrong and I was just doing my job so that validation has soothed my frazzled nerves.

I guess I can't really offer advice because I'm as troubled as you-however I'm glad to commiserate and I wish you all the best.
Posted 4/29/2014 8:00 PM (GMT -5)
Thanks everyone!  Yep, I had a co-worker that had anxiety issues and you would never know it.  I commented to her that she would not understand what I go through a lot of days.  It was just before a huge presentation with the president of the bank, and a round table of Center of Influence type prospects, and let's just say my anxiety level was overwhelming.  She told me, do what I do, "fake it, till you make it." 

I would have never guessed this from this person, she was very successful and pulled together, but she admitted, she fakes a lot of the confidence, and to a degree her knowledge regarding what we do.  I can't fake the knowledge thing, I'm more of the honest "well, I'm not totally certain, but I will for sure get you the correct answer/solution ASAP" type person. 

I've tried fake it till you make it, and will continue to give it attempts. 

I am actually getting a new boss in a few days.  I'm nervous, but at the same time I feel I need this challenge.  The challenge to show a level of confidence, even if I have my own secret doubts.  It's hard to always hide anxiety.  But I am really feeling that I need to make a concentrated effort to be poised, exacting, and a bit more reserved with my thoughts and my style.  No need to be an open book.  Not sure I can do it, not sure my past boss won't give the new boss pre-concived notions, but I can't "chase that ghost."  Meaning, I worry about things that might not even be the case.  And, let's say it is true, I need to assume that the first few impressions can prove any preconcived notions are unfounded.

Love this site!!!! Thansk so much everyone.  I wish you all peace and happiness!!!  Virgogirl

Posted 4/30/2014 9:24 AM (GMT -5)
V.G.

Best wishes with the new boss!!

Know that he/she has a learning curve to deal with, and is likely more nervous than you about meeting...

I am so glad that you talked with your co-worker and learned that you are not alone in how you feel! It is so comforting to know that others deal with the same feelings and challenges.

I know that most people are shocked to learn that I am challenged with anxiety...because I never appear anxious 


When it is appropriate, I put up a brave front...and when it is okay to let the feelings out, then I do so for release.   I have learned to balance accepting the anxiety, as well as fighting it. 


I hope that you will find that same balance and continue to work through to your recovery goals!! I know that you can and will.:)

Keep up the good work,

S.C.

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