So I felt like my recovery was going well as the last few days were pretty great, maybe it was because I was off work for about
5 days due to labor day. But I used those days to focus on my meditation and study of coping skills. I read up on Claire Weeks spent time with my sister, my wife, my 5 month old son, and my mother-in-law.
*insert joke about
my mother-in-law being the cause of all my stress here*
But jokes aside she has been amazing and has helped my wife and I with our son as I have been struggling through this for the past month and a half.
Anyway, I was feeling great. I went to dinner with my wife to a crowded restaurant and felt fine. Went out on my own and ran errands, went to the mall, went to church, and overall was feeling better.
Then I had to go back to work and I felt the usual scary anticipatory anxiety in the morning but it wasnt too bad. The anxiety was strong but not terrible. Then towards the end of the day my computer crashed at work and I lost a project I was working on. I nearly lost it trying to recover the files. Long story short I had to do a lot of tedious work to recover the files and I was finally able to but I later realized that in the process of recovering my work I deleted a ton of my own personal files (important documents for my home business) and that made a stressful situation worse.
I tried to calm myself down and say it wasnt a big deal but when I got home I wasn't feeling well at all. Dizziness, my most hated symptom, was back with vengeance as was the tingling and burning sensations I get in my hands and feet. Needless to say after over 5 days without a need to take my Ativan, I popped 0.5 mg when I got home last night. Then this morning, although I felt better I was still thinking about
last night and I took another 0.5 mg.
The Ativan helps with my anxiety symptoms, dizziness, panic, stomach churning, goes away or greatly decreases but it makes me feel a bit depressed, like sad and wanting to cry. Add to that the fact I didn't sleep well last night and well today has been a weird day. I wouldn't say it was terrible because I was able to do my work and have lunch with my coworkers. But it sucked.
I have been on 20 mg of Lexapro for 4 weeks now after tapering up from 10. I feel like my anxiety is a bit more controlled but I know that this new dose can take 6-8 weeks to fully take effect. And because I took it many years ago, I have heard it can take a bit more time to work the second time around. But I cant say I am not feeling better because I have felt some difference.
I know this is a setback, but every time I run into a setback I feel like I'm never going to get out of this rut. 10 years ago I went through the same thing but then was anxiety free for 10 years with med and some therapy. I know it took me a while to recover last time, but going through it again you realize how much your thoughts can make you feel its never going to end even when you know you have beaten it before. Anyway, just needed to vent.
Also, I am a bit worried about
taking too much Ativan. I have used it sparingly. This the 4th time I have used it in like 5 weeks so I leave a lot of time in between. But this was the first time I used it two days in a row.
I just don't want to substitute one problem with another and get dependent on these things.
I dont want to have to use it multiple times a day for weeks. I would rather use it sparingly. But after feeling pretty good and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, this setback slammed me back down again. I just wanted to give my nerves a break.
Any advice is always welcome.
Post Edited (TheKickboxingGuy) : 9/10/2015 4:15:44 PM (GMT-6)