1 year ago today....

Probably right about now I started administering the morphine to my mom and began helping her die. It took until 2:07 pm tomorrow. I stunk at it. Hospice was short handed so they left me alone to do the job. I gave the doses they prescribed and when they didn't seem to soothe her I called and they would increase the dose. I was mandated to write in a notebook the dose I was giving her every hr. on the hr. so at the end they could count up the doses left to know they were not pilfered.

I was without the support of any family members, they were all home 1200 miles away. I have many awful awful memories. Things that I had no control over. Things that I could have done but I didn't. Thought it was the right thing at the time but now I'm not so sure.

The one thing that I can't come to terms with is my mother was a religious woman all her life but at the end she was not. She seemed tortured by evil. She had no desire to pray and refused to have me call her clergy. I thought my dad who passed 17 years prior would come to meet her but she never mentioned him.

She kept talking about my husband being there swore he was but he was not. He hated her. She said I want to hear him say I love you mother in law. I said he does mom.

Me and my mom did not have the greatest relationship. She could tend to be a narcissist and liked to put the guilt trip on me and that's why he said he hated her but deep down she really loved me- I know she did. Besides no matter what she was my mom and I needed to be there with her and for her and he resented it. Thought she was faking up til she died. Have to admit she did cry wolf about her health for at least 15 years...

Anyway for the past few days I've been so edgy. I got the call on New Years eve that it was time to fly so last year this time it was non stop stress and now I feel like I have PTSD

Husband doesn't understand my edginess and why his stupid jokes annoy the hell out of me. I just feel like being quiet.

I reminded him before he went to bed that tomorrow is the 1 year anniv of her death. I hope he gets it tomorrow.

I have a planned phone call with a very dear friend tomorrow morning so I know she will help me through some grief.

SC- thanks so much for your support. I can always count on you to say what I need to hear.
Just sent an email with some pictures of her to her closest friends. Told them how much she loved them and cherished their friendship.
Told them it was always such a comfort for me to know how involved they were in her life.

Hi SC
Yes- positive responses from my mom's friends. Also reminders of how my mom said she was so lucky to have a daughter like me
Felt better when the day was over just like last year. A burden lifted off of my shoulders.
Really want to put the year of loss behind me and begin a year of abundance.
I have my challenges before me...a new job different from what I did previously, a role which will be as support instead of being in charge...all new people, a unpleasant commute....but trying to turn it into positives. Less responsibility, make new friends, unwind during the long commute- possibly audio books? re subscribe to Sirus? I'll be out of the house and free from my husbands pity party he is having with his life. Used a bit of my severance pay and bought some new clothes that fit comfortably and are not faded out. Just waiting for my start date,
A little uncomfortable without health insurance. Have been in a flare all of December and continues. Nothing I can't handle. I can function just achy from head to toe- can't let that stop me.

living up to your affirmation!
Had received a letter confirming my acceptance of the new job and a start date but had not received an offer letter and was uncomfortable about "accepting" something that I knew nothing about. I had a million emails out there but none of my important questions had been answered and since I was repeating myself I felt like I was a pain in the ass and possibly jeopardizing the job. Or I felt like maybe they were trying to intimidate me and I was not going to get the pay and benefits I was expecting.
My husband concurred that I was a pain in the ass and that I should just keep quiet and address it my first day.
Just couldn't do that to myself. Didn't sleep a wink last night so I called today and low and behold- I was apologized to- they didn't realize the offer letter was not sent. They sent it over and I got everything I wanted!
I'm so glad I went with my own gut and mustered up the courage to make the call.
Tonight I think it will be peaceful zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz